What were the feelings that led you to take an SSRI?

[WeWillOvercome]

I have been thinking about what led me to try AD’s in the first place.

Since age ~14, I’ve had a remarkably shitty outlook on life. Its always been like I’m viewing the world through this lens of negativity and as a result I feel that everyone around me is a dishonest asshole. It’s also important to note that this negative viewpoint extends towards myself as well. I have always felt this pervasive sense of self hatred and a sense that I didn’t deserve whatever good thing may have come to my life (education, jobs, romantic interests, etc.).

Before SSRI’s, I also had severe anxiety (and I think possibly OCD) which manifested in me ruminating obsessively on past choices. I have always been consumed by thinking about how my life might have been different if I had taken choice B instead of choice A.

This sense of self hatred and obsession with past decisions has been a constant force in my life, again, since around age fourteen, even in times when everything is more or less going well for me.

I want to stress that I am ABSOLUTELY NOT saying that PSSD is not a real thing or that it’s a result of having a shitty attitude. I have no doubt in my mind that my current medical issues are a direct result of having taken an SSRI three years ago. But I want to get a better sense of how depression and anxiety manifested themselves for other members of this forum to see if there are any similarities with how it felt for myself.

Please let me know if what I have written doesn’t make sense.

[AnxiousGreg]

I have been thinking about what led me to try AD’s in the first place.

Since age ~14, I’ve had a remarkably shitty outlook on life. Its always been like I’m viewing the world through this lens of negativity and as a result I feel that everyone around me is a dishonest asshole. It’s also important to note that this negative viewpoint extends towards myself as well. I have always felt this pervasive sense of self hatred and a sense that I didn’t deserve whatever good thing may have come to my life (education, jobs, romantic interests, etc.).

Before SSRI’s, I also had severe anxiety (and I think possibly OCD) which manifested in me ruminating obsessively on past choices. I have always been consumed by thinking about how my life might have been different if I had taken choice B instead of choice A.

This sense of self hatred and obsession with past decisions has been a constant force in my life, again, since around age fourteen, even in times when everything is more or less going well for me.

I want to stress that I am ABSOLUTELY NOT saying that PSSD is not a real thing or that it’s a result of having a shitty attitude. I have no doubt in my mind that my current medical issues are a direct result of having taken an SSRI three years ago. But I want to get a better sense of how depression and anxiety manifested themselves for other members of this forum to see if there are any similarities with how it felt for myself.

Please let me know if what I have written doesn’t make sense.

I do have some of these tendencies myself, certainly toward self-criticism and ruminating on past decisions. I don't think they were quite as marked before, they have increased *significantly* of course post-SSRI use, since that particular decision has had such a life-altering effect on me (though I continue to cling to some sort of thread of hope that this alteration is persistent-not-permanent).

I think one of the most aggravating things about this condition is that it so often gets interpreted as "your depression or anxiety coming back." I have too have carried some degree of anxiety for most of my teen/adult life but never to this extent and never expressed in this way. Sex used to be my greatest outlet for anxiety, music was up there too. Now I don't really care about either anymore, they might as well not be a thing.

To work my way back to the original question, my acute decision to take an SSRI was as a sort of "bridge" to reduce anxiety while I was waiting for treatment for a different medical condition to fully take hold. That medical condition was (maybe TMI but all goes here) anal fissures which were themselves almost certainly brought about by continuous anxiety/pelvic floor issues themselves brought about by anxiety. So I guess for me there were both chronic and acute causes which ultimately led me to take an SSRI.

[arahant]

I have been thinking about what led me to try AD’s in the first place.

Since age ~14, I’ve had a remarkably shitty outlook on life. Its always been like I’m viewing the world through this lens of negativity and as a result I feel that everyone around me is a dishonest asshole. It’s also important to note that this negative viewpoint extends towards myself as well. I have always felt this pervasive sense of self hatred and a sense that I didn’t deserve whatever good thing may have come to my life (education, jobs, romantic interests, etc.).

Before SSRI’s, I also had severe anxiety (and I think possibly OCD) which manifested in me ruminating obsessively on past choices. I have always been consumed by thinking about how my life might have been different if I had taken choice B instead of choice A.

This sense of self hatred and obsession with past decisions has been a constant force in my life, again, since around age fourteen, even in times when everything is more or less going well for me.

I want to stress that I am ABSOLUTELY NOT saying that PSSD is not a real thing or that it’s a result of having a shitty attitude. I have no doubt in my mind that my current medical issues are a direct result of having taken an SSRI three years ago. But I want to get a better sense of how depression and anxiety manifested themselves for other members of this forum to see if there are any similarities with how it felt for myself.

Please let me know if what I have written doesn’t make sense.

I think it makes sense. I started to have the same suspicion too.
For an anxious type of mind, especially an OCD type, sex must be something quite extraordinary, and while taking SSRI, it gets messed. Then it might be interpreted as a "life-threatening" change. It might create an obsession with the quality of sensations and never give up, even after quit SSRI. It looks like exchanging obsessions.
The obsession for a "baseline" or feel "just like before," feel the "old self."
It creates mental urges, a sense of inner tension, feelings of incompleteness, and a need for things to be "just right." Something that is quite distressing, and well known to numb sexual sensations.