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Ghost
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Ghost Intro

Unread post by Ghost »

Ghost on Wed Oct 08, 2014 2:45 am

I am a 18, and college freshman this year. I have been dealing with severe anxiety over the past year. It was escalating as college approached. I tried to fight it naturally, but nothing was working. TWO doctors prescribed me Lexapro. I EVEN SPLIT THE DAMN 10MG TABLETS IN TWO BECAUSE I WAS SO SCARED. I reluctantly took 5mg Lexapro (Escitalopram) for 4 days. I stopped because I noticed insomnia, delayed orgasm, loss of sex drive, and genital numbing. I assumed that they would go away after stopping, but it has been 31 days so far without taking the medication. The orgasm problems have gone away, and I think that I am starting to get erections more easily again. Morning erections seem slightly stronger some days than when I first got off the medication. The part that kills me is that part of my genitals are still numb. It is the weirdest thing, and each side of my penis feels different, it's like splotches of numbness. I always had a really high sex drive, and now I'd say that It's lower than average. Maybe 60-70% of what it once was. I'd also say that my penis is about 25-35% numb, I can't tell for sure. My entire skin feels slightly numbed. Even scarier is the feelings of being emotionally dulled. I don't even know where I am emotionally/mentally anymore. My longtime girlfriend and I broke up the second day that I was on medication, so I'm all alone on this one. First off, I am totally shocked that only 4 days of such a low dose could give me such a hard time, but after reading through more stories I find that I may not be alone in this sense. I guess if you could find one positive thing about this, it's that my anxiety is quite better after taking the drug. Unfortunately, I have had to struggle with a new battle: depression. I NEVER had suicidal thoughts before going on medication. I don't plan to ever take my life, but sometimes I just don't even know what to do anymore. My parents don't even believe me on this one. It's like God (Who I struggle to even believe in anymore) is laughing down at me. How could an innocent 18 year old be handed this type of sexual/emotional death sentence when he reached out for help from DOCTORS? How is this S**T legal? Neutral

Edit: 12/2/14 This is another version of the story I told above. I posted it elsewhere on the forum and am putting it here for anyone reading my story. It's background Info. Above I said that I never would take my life...Well that night I was thinking about it...So I kinda lied...not anymore tho. Makes more sense if you read below. VVV

I always have been slightly depressed. Mild, not very bad. Depression runs in the family, but I didn't even know that until after this all happened. I got a concussion my senior year of high school doing a sport that I got talked into doing last minute by a friend. It was senior slide and I would get in good shape right? Wrong. Started having a few panic attacks. Aggravated anxiety and depression because I couldn't exercise. This summer I developed severe anxiety while volunteering at a church mission project away from home. Never had had any problems being away from home before. I just couldn't sleep that whole week much at all. Think it was stress of starting college. Thought I could sleep it off when I got home. Nope. Too anxious to even read. Went to P-Doc. Prescribed me lexapro and Ativan. Told me that this was totally normal and that I would feel back to my old self if I took the Lexapro. Fuck, I went in to try and get ADD meds because I thought I couldn't concentrate because of that. Tests came back Severe anxiety, moderate depression at this point...Fought all summer to not take them...Exercised every day. Lifted weights. Ate only organic healthy food. Took vitamins. Went to therapy. Meditated daily. Stopped drinking. Took ativan 3 times. Second 2 I had bad reactions ( I later realized this was because I was trying St. John's wart and that it speeds up ativan absorption, so I would trip the fuck out). One night I felt so shitty that I took 10mg lexapro. At this point, I had 2 doctors urging me to take it. Insomnia the whole night. My jaw hurt because I had been clenching it. Head felt bad. Swore I'd never take the shit again. At this point...I would've been fine.

Went to college. First night didn't sleep more than an hour despite taking ativan and trazadone. Woke up feeling hysterical. This wasn't who I was...who was I becoming??? I had always been the last person that you'd expect to have mental health problems. I ran around the running trails on campus balling. I just wanted to run away. My heart never quit pounding. What the fuck had I gotten myself into? I was so scared. I remember holding the fucking bottle in my hands...Escitalopram Oxalate...10mg... I read the side effect sheet carefully. It was this or dropping out of college after less than 24hours. The next four days I took 5 FUCKING milligrams of Lexapro. worst part...I think about day 2 or so, and I think I realized I was losing sexual function...I just didn't care. It had taken a hold of me. Day 4 I tried to masturbate. Erection Problems. Dick Numb. Delayed Ejaculation. Took the Lexapro and threw it in the trash. Never touched it again. Anxiety was gone. Sex drive was gone. I WAS GONE. I thought it would go away. The next week was fine. I felt happy and basically anxiety free! Then...Depression hit HARD. After 3 weeks or so I was losing hope. I was sitting in my bed contemplating Suicide. I used to love life. It wasn't me. It wasn't the old me at all...Yet I was that close to doing it. I pulled up my computer to see the time. It was like 3am or something... I searched "Post SSRI Sexual Disfunction" on google instead of searching just "Lexapro sexual side effects" like I had before. This site popped up...Honestly I think it saved my life... I decided to wait another day to rethink my decision. That's not even an exaggeration. The next day, a girl in the dorm next to me actually did kill herself. It hit me how terrible and real taking your life is. I told myself right then that I would live through depression, despite how unfair this has all been. The past 86 days are history.
Lexapro Sept '14. [Hx] [PSSD Lab] [r/PSSD] [Treatment Plan] - Ur friendly poltergeist
Moloch
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Re: Scared S**tless - Ghost OP

Unread post by Moloch »

Sonny on Thu Oct 09, 2014 12:07 am

This early on it's still quite likely to eventually go away. Buspirone might help both with anxiety and getting this to clear up faster. Choline and huperzine may help as well. Just waiting is still a perfectly good option at this point too.
Moloch
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Re: Scared S**tless - Ghost OP

Unread post by Moloch »

Arnie2 on Thu Oct 09, 2014 8:21 pm

I was just like you. I had bad anxiety and finally decided to see a doctor about it. Oh what a mistake that was.

The doctor prescribed me Lexapro just like you. I took a single tablet and it ruined my life. I stopped after a single dose because it gave me a severe panic attack and made me feel like I was losing my mind. Tossed it in the trash immediately. Life ruined ever since.

I am now basically castrated. My genitals are numb, very low libido, numb body, and slight emotional blunting. But hey, my anxiety isn't as bad as before. Yeah, that's a fucked up trade that no doctor or seemingly any internet search warned me of. Little did I know SSRIs get rid of anxiety, but only because they delete your emotions.

I'm still in shock everyday that this happened to me. I was usually so careful in everything I took. I didn't even like taking a simple Claritin (anti-histamine) because I was afraid of side effects. But for some reason I decided to try a pill that had a suicide warning on it. People would say that it took weeks to feel the benefit from it. Sounded sort of like a supplement to me which sounded mild. I of course went to WebMD to look at antidepressant side effects and risks. Little did I know that WebMD is actually sponsored by antidepressant companies like Eli Lilly and they make sure WebMD sort of promotes antidepressant use. Nothing is said about the permanent effects of these drugs. Its all just vague and positive stuff that innocent people like you and I haven fallen for.

All information as to why the suicide warning was put on these drugs is hidden, even on the internet it seems. No news media explanation or debates because antidepressant companies are sponsors for close to all news outlets. All that can be found are the ridiculously obvious pharma company sponsored news articles criticizing the antidepressant suicide warnings for causing more suicides. No media outlet dares bringing their sponsor's drugs into debate. So don't expect to hear anything on the news other than "ask you doctor about trying [insert antidepressant]". Its a scam that so many innocent people are falling for.

Funny how something called an antidepressant can actually cause depression isn't it? I never had depression before either, but I have it now. Is this like the biggest money making scam in history? Create a drug that actually induces a depression that can only be treated with more of the drug? Sounds crazy, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was some truth to it.

I would give anything to go back to my old anxious self. I don't like to think about the possibility of never being able to enjoy sex or feel my genitals ever again, but its looking like a harsh reality that I may have to somehow accept. I mean, sex is life. Not to sound like a downer, but sex is the point of a human's life. Its our nature to want to constantly look for possible mates and to produce offspring. That's why sex is the most pleasurable experience a human can have. We are engineered to want it. Take that away along with emotions, then whats the point in living? I now see why so many SSRI users can't live without their SSRIs. Without the numbing effects of the SSRI they have nothing. The SSRI has destroyed their emotions and sex lives so in order to stay alive they have to stay on the mind numbing SSRIs. So awful. A religious person could think these drugs were created by the devil himself.

Sorry this happened to you dude. These pills are handed out like candy to the masses and all criticism of them is censored so people like us would fall for the trap. I wonder if we went back on the SSRI if we would eventually not even care we lost our sex lives just like the other SSRI users. Probably I bet. I don't want to live a life like that though.

I don't know if you will recover, but I certainly hope you do. I guess maybe give it more time. Who knows maybe you'll recover. You could try telling your doctors, but they will most likely be of no help. I've been to many doctors and none of them have heard of PSSD. It doesn't look like there's any treatment for PSSD unless you want to experiment with more mind altering psych drugs. Or try supplements and exercise. Other than that? Pray I guess.
Moloch
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Re: Scared S**tless - Ghost OP

Unread post by Moloch »

Ghost on Fri Oct 10, 2014 12:00 am

First of all, thank you both so much for responding.

Sonny,
Do you think that taking one of these would help prevent these symptoms from becoming permanent? I still don't understand how most people can recover, but a select few cannot. In these early stages, is there a way that I could do something before my brain forgets what it used to know? Again, I cannot thank you enough, you made me feel 10x better on a day that was already better than the last few.

Arnie,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this too. I took one pill a week before I started my 4 day spree. I remember just wanting it all to stop so I caved in. I wish the shitty feeling the next day would've told me that Lexapro wasn't for me. Wishing is something I do a lot recently it seems. I never realized that sexual drive was the center of my life until this happened. It defines who I am, and gives purpose to my life. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have a more severe version of my symptoms. I honestly am sitting here unable to find words to describe how much I sympathize with all of you. How long have your symptoms been here for? I'm doing something I haven't in a while. I'm praying tonight.

Positives? I guess I have no anxiety. I have enough sex drive (even if nothing gets better) to have a marriage. And I can still find things to smile about everyday.

Maybe most of all, this has made me want to go into medicine. I'm studying my brain-dead a** off, and hopefully someday I can do something for the Anxiety/ Depression/ PSSD community that can improve lives. It's 2014 after all. It's about time these problems are treated differently.

I'm going to get off these forums for a while. Clear my mind, and wait. I'm staying as hopeful as possible! I will report back soon enough, with good or bad news.
Moloch
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Re: Scared S**tless - Ghost OP

Unread post by Moloch »

Sonny on Fri Oct 10, 2014 11:54 pm

They don't have any effect on whether or not it is permanent. But if it isn't, they may speed up your recovery. I think it has to do with gene expression for the most part.
Moloch
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Re: Scared S**tless - Ghost OP

Unread post by Moloch »

Ghost on Thu Oct 30, 2014 1:47 pm

An update (not sure if anyone cares, but I said I would reply with updates) on how things have gone in the time since I last posted (Just over 3 weeks ago). I took my last lexapro 8.5 weeks ago.

I've had 2, week long "windows" of feeling a bit better, with a week long window of same old PSSD symptoms in the middle. Alcohol kills my sex drive, and numbs things worse. I noticed that taking 1000IU Vitamin D daily seems to have been the key for getting things to be a bit better. Also, I have taken 30mg Zinc the last week or so, and have been having hard morning erections almost every day since.

During these "windows" I can sometimes even feel that tingling horny feeling in my genitals that I can remember from before. It's short lived, but exciting.

The last 2-3 days (after taking Choline (500mg), Zinc (30mg) and Vit D (1000 IU)), I can really feel my sexuality fighting back. I'm getting erections in class, and have desire for women. I have had ROCK HARD erections for the first time since Lexapro the last 2 nights. Makes me so happy (as happy as you can be with a fucked up Dopamine system) Very Happy . I'm at 80% sex drive/ ability today. Smile

Downside...I still think my Dopamine system is still messed up. My restless legs/ muscle spasms have been a bit better, but not always perfect. I still have some anhedonia, concentration problems, and the dreaded Genital anesthesia (25-50% numb). That has definitely not gotten any better, my data shows it's worse if anything...Orgasm's were always great, but lately the build up is sometimes better than the orgasm, semen volume is lower/ and comes out with a bit less force.

I'm waiting for my shipment of Berberine to get here. Decided against Icarin for now because it's $70, and my horniness seems to be recovering slowly.

I've been exercising/ eating foods that should increase Dopamine/ testosterone, and decrease Prolactin. Zinc Helps with that too. Sadly, I think that it doesn't matter how much Dopamine I produce if it's not being released properly. I know that natural does not mean safe, but are there any subtle supplements that could aid with sensitivity/ anhedonia? That's the most sickening symptom for me thus far. I want to wait longer before trying something like Wellbutrin/ Buspar. Maybe it will just take time...but I'm getting sick of a numb dick.

I highly recommend Vit D, Zinc, Choline! Meditation really helps for stress, and seems to be helping too. My body responds to things quickly, and the response has been pretty good so far. I could just be healing naturally though, as I have only been off a short while. Best of luck to everyone and I will keep you posted!
Moloch
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Re: Scared S**tless - Ghost OP

Unread post by Moloch »

Sonny on Thu Oct 30, 2014 11:51 pm

I care. I'm glad you are getting better. If you have RLS, you should see a doctor and get some ropinirole prescribed, it will help the sexual issues too. If zinc helps, then that means higher testosterone helps. Try some tribulous, that will raise it too. It will also boost E2 indirectly which should also help. You should be in good shape after adding those in.
Moloch
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Re: Scared S**tless - Ghost OP

Unread post by Moloch »

Ghost on Wed Nov 19, 2014 2:44 pm

Another 3 weeks have gone by.

Mixed results. I've actually come off all the supplements to test where I am. Vit D eventually gave me headaches after days on end of use. Stopped taking Choline. Stopped Zinc about 1.5 weeks ago. Things have kinda stayed the same since then. I've heard that using Zinc everyday it eventually stops working as well. But idk. I've also heard that Zinc can sometimes do something to your nerves? I feel like I may have a bit less Genital Anesthesia since I stopped? Could just be natural healing too...the fact that I'm ok while off supplements is encouraging.

Everyday is different, but I'm almost always able to get a hard enough erection with visual stimuli, and usually just mentally. Something still is "off" however. Sometimes I'll get an erection but not feel the sex drive...sometimes I'll feel the drive...but have no erection...Somedays erections will be rock solid...sometimes just ok...some days I'll have a half-erection for a good period of the day...but it will never get full...It feels smaller and weaker, and the head is usually pretty soft and smaller still...Some days it all feels normal but just delayed. You may just think that your dick feels less numb the past few days before it hits you again. Semen amounts vary, maybe more recently? I can't tell...It's weird. PSSD is weird. It's anything but linear daily, but if you back up it looks like it's healing. Someday's you'd swear you were going crazy...It's a really hard thing to judge. I'd still consider myself around 80% maybe. The last 2 days I've had more tingling in my genitals. It's almost like sexual tension that needs to be released. Sometimes it's almost uncomfortable. Again...It's all so weird. You start to forget what it used to be like...so you don't even know what you are comparing yourself to.

I still have difficulty concentrating...but have done well on my last 2 tests in college.

I think that I'll try to go on Vit D and Zinc again this weekend to see if things kick up even more. Maybe Choline...I'm still meditating. Not exercising as much as I should...I'm busy.

I went to a Neurologist and she wouldn't do anything about Restless Legs/ Muscle Twitches. Probably didn't want to throw an 18 yr old on Dopamine meds. Oh well... Life moves on.

I've decided to wait on things until a month from now. At that point I may start actively pursuing more treatment again. My Psychologist talked me into not spending a lot of time researching PSSD...it helps sometimes to try and forget. very hard to do however. So I plan to only log on once a week. I think I have a shot at sex this weekend. I'm nervous...but will keep you guys posted on how it goes. Wishing you all the best of luck.
Moloch
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Re: Scared S**tless - Ghost OP

Unread post by Moloch »

forexworld12 on Wed Nov 19, 2014 10:50 pm

Ghost wrote:
Another 3 weeks have gone by.

Mixed results. I've actually come off all the supplements to test where I am. Vit D eventually gave me headaches after days on end of use. Stopped taking Choline. Stopped Zinc about 1.5 weeks ago. Things have kinda stayed the same since then. I've heard that using Zinc everyday it eventually stops working as well. But idk. I've also heard that Zinc can sometimes do something to your nerves? I feel like I may have a bit less Genital Anesthesia since I stopped? Could just be natural healing too...the fact that I'm ok while off supplements is encouraging.

Everyday is different, but I'm almost always able to get a hard enough erection with visual stimuli, and usually just mentally. Something still is "off" however. Sometimes I'll get an erection but not feel the sex drive...sometimes I'll feel the drive...but have no erection...Somedays erections will be rock solid...sometimes just ok...some days I'll have a half-erection for a good period of the day...but it will never get full...It feels smaller and weaker, and the head is usually pretty soft and smaller still...Some days it all feels normal but just delayed. You may just think that your dick feels less numb the past few days before it hits you again. Semen amounts vary, maybe more recently? I can't tell...It's weird. PSSD is weird. It's anything but linear daily, but if you back up it looks like it's healing. Someday's you'd swear you were going crazy...It's a really hard thing to judge. I'd still consider myself around 80% maybe. The last 2 days I've had more tingling in my genitals. It's almost like sexual tension that needs to be released. Sometimes it's almost uncomfortable. Again...It's all so weird. You start to forget what it used to be like...so you don't even know what you are comparing yourself to.

I still have difficulty concentrating...but have done well on my last 2 tests in college.

I think that I'll try to go on Vit D and Zinc again this weekend to see if things kick up even more. Maybe Choline...I'm still meditating. Not exercising as much as I should...I'm busy.

I went to a Neurologist and she wouldn't do anything about Restless Legs/ Muscle Twitches. Probably didn't want to throw an 18 yr old on Dopamine meds. Oh well... Life moves on.

I've decided to wait on things until a month from now. At that point I may start actively pursuing more treatment again. My Psychologist talked me into not spending a lot of time researching PSSD...it helps sometimes to try and forget. very hard to do however. So I plan to only log on once a week. I think I have a shot at sex this weekend. I'm nervous...but will keep you guys posted on how it goes. Wishing you all the best of luck.

It seems you're going through windows of recovery and esp if you have resolved the ahnedonia part ?
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Re: Scared S**tless - Ghost OP

Unread post by Moloch »

Ghost on Wed Nov 19, 2014 11:57 pm

forexworld12 wrote:
Ghost wrote:
Another 3 weeks have gone by.

Mixed results. I've actually come off all the supplements to test where I am. Vit D eventually gave me headaches after days on end of use. Stopped taking Choline. Stopped Zinc about 1.5 weeks ago. Things have kinda stayed the same since then. I've heard that using Zinc everyday it eventually stops working as well. But idk. I've also heard that Zinc can sometimes do something to your nerves? I feel like I may have a bit less Genital Anesthesia since I stopped? Could just be natural healing too...the fact that I'm ok while off supplements is encouraging.

Everyday is different, but I'm almost always able to get a hard enough erection with visual stimuli, and usually just mentally. Something still is "off" however. Sometimes I'll get an erection but not feel the sex drive...sometimes I'll feel the drive...but have no erection...Somedays erections will be rock solid...sometimes just ok...some days I'll have a half-erection for a good period of the day...but it will never get full...It feels smaller and weaker, and the head is usually pretty soft and smaller still...Some days it all feels normal but just delayed. You may just think that your dick feels less numb the past few days before it hits you again. Semen amounts vary, maybe more recently? I can't tell...It's weird. PSSD is weird. It's anything but linear daily, but if you back up it looks like it's healing. Someday's you'd swear you were going crazy...It's a really hard thing to judge. I'd still consider myself around 80% maybe. The last 2 days I've had more tingling in my genitals. It's almost like sexual tension that needs to be released. Sometimes it's almost uncomfortable. Again...It's all so weird. You start to forget what it used to be like...so you don't even know what you are comparing yourself to.

I still have difficulty concentrating...but have done well on my last 2 tests in college.

I think that I'll try to go on Vit D and Zinc again this weekend to see if things kick up even more. Maybe Choline...I'm still meditating. Not exercising as much as I should...I'm busy.

I went to a Neurologist and she wouldn't do anything about Restless Legs/ Muscle Twitches. Probably didn't want to throw an 18 yr old on Dopamine meds. Oh well... Life moves on.

I've decided to wait on things until a month from now. At that point I may start actively pursuing more treatment again. My Psychologist talked me into not spending a lot of time researching PSSD...it helps sometimes to try and forget. very hard to do however. So I plan to only log on once a week. I think I have a shot at sex this weekend. I'm nervous...but will keep you guys posted on how it goes. Wishing you all the best of luck.

It seems you're going through windows of recovery and esp if you have resolved the ahnedonia part ?

Ehhh, it's hard to tell. Ahnedonia is really hard to quantify, especially because it never was complete for me. I'd say it may be a bit better. I think I can kinda feel love again to a certain degree. It just feels a bit muted still. My chest just feels kinda numbed where I used to feel that stuff. I have gotten stronger urges to cry recently when I've been angry, and actually had to fight it back, something that wasn't happening as often right after I stopped the drug. I would agree that they are good windows for recovery. I really would hope that less than a week on the drug would make my recovery come faster than if I was a long term user. But SSRI's are nasty stuff. But to answer your question, Depression seems to have lifted a bit, and with that, some of the anhedonia too. Only time will tell. I would give anything to go back pre-ssri and see what it was like. I never used to pay attention to all of these things before.
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