PSSD and a knock on the head

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Zodar
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PSSD and a knock on the head

Unread post by Zodar »

I'm a 22 year old male who, just under four months ago, took one 20mg dose of Fluoxetine. Within under an hour it felt like the connection between my brain and my genitals had been completely severed, my penis was numb and felt detached from the rest of me. That same evening I noticed a very strong rippling in the muscles of my upper right arm- something I’d never experienced before. Whenever I tried to think deeply or concentrate the front of my head felt like it was vibrating. The next morning when I got up and stripped to take a shower I saw that my penis had completely retracted and the tissue around it seemed to have thinned and aged about fifty years, showing veins and lines that had never been there before. I also had strong flu like symptoms, nausea without vomiting and heavy diarrhoea. I tried to masturbate but for the first time in my life I couldn’t sustain an erection. Inevitably when I went to the Accident and Emergency department the doctors and psychiatrists dismissed my complaints as psychosomatic and prescribed me benzodiazepines to help me sleep- although they also told me to discontinue the fluoxetine. I took these sparingly for the next four days just to alleviate my anxiety over the situation. By the end of the week I noticed how disconnected I felt from the world around me, as if I was staring through a plate of glass, I couldn’t derive pleasure or interest from anything, and I felt a blankness when I acknowledged passers by or spoke to strangers. Any sense of warmth, or fear, towards the world had vanished and I felt like a psychopath. My social anxiety had been completely destroyed, but not because I felt any more confident or assured in myself, I was just coldly indifferent and hollow.

I spent a week away with a friend caring for me as I tried distract myself, but I felt a heavy sense of lethargy and abulia towards everything; for the first time in my life I couldn’t articulate how I felt or what I wanted, I had no desires, no preferences, I felt completely depersonalized. I could feel emptiness in my stomach, but there was no real appetite or volition to eat, eating was purely an intellectual choice. When I woke up in the morning I felt completely dead inside, like I hadn't slept a wink, even though I was constantly fatigued and crashing into bed as early as 9pm. Prior to the fluoxetine, I'd been basically an insomniac. I also developed what could be called ‘punishing’ spasms and tremors whenever I tried to feel deeply. Sometimes my head would jerk backwards violently, more commonly my foot or my hand would flap of its own accord, completely resetting my emotional and mental state away from whatever I was trying to focus on or relax into. When I returned to work my supervisor commented after a few weeks that my ‘usually lively demeanour’ had gone, and I seemed ‘deflated’; I have since been fired, whereas before I’d been told by management I was one of the top performers, and it was only a couple weeks before taking the AD I had been promoted. All my life I'd been told I had a natural gift and intuition for talking to people. Now I can't think as quickly, I trip over words and lose my patience much more easily.

It’s hard to say to what extent my symptoms have improved, if they have at all. I’ve had a handful of ‘windows’, usually a few hours long, where I felt like my old self, either emotionally or sexually, but those were all during the first month of PSSD, and one was after taking inositol, which stopped working after two days. Since then every day has basically been the same, waking up to the same prison existence. A couple days ago however I also knocked my head and was left with a tiny bruise above my eyebrows, but this seems to have exacerbated my emotional blunting. I’d spent a couple days previously crying, basically grieving my old self. Since the head bump however by forehead has felt numb, something that has waxed and waned since the fluoxetine; it’s been very hard to really summon up any sorrow or anger or deep feeling towards the past, the last of my 'real' emotions, and whenever I try to cry I feel pressure in my forehead and I can barely squeeze out a few drops. Hopefully, this isn’t permanent, but it’s irrelevant really. Looking around this forum I basically know I’m fucked, whatever has gone wrong with me is extremely complex; I can’t even hear my own heartbeat anymore and it feels like my nerves have sparked out and can’t generate any sort of energy, like I’m walking around in a dead body. I can’t even take a shit sometimes without being in extreme agony from constipation- something which only started after the SSRI, and the doctors don’t even acknowledge that. I don’t intend to live like this for very long, but I’m not going to kill myself during the Christmas period, my family deserve better than that, but I can’t live as a zombie for years. The emotional numbing is totally unbearable, and makes me feel trapped in my own head.

I know Meso isn’t doing consultations anymore, understandably, and most of this post is just venting. I don't intend to post here often, it's depressing and bleak, but if he or anyone else could provide any insight on how a single pill could completely flatten and devastate me like this, at almost every level of my being, I’d appreciate it. That and some coping skills so I can ride out the next few months before I find the balls to end this mess.

Prior to taking Fluoxetine I was hyper emotional, hyper sexual, I could laugh deeply from the heart just at my own thoughts, music would send chills down my spine, I was absolutely devoted to my friends and partners, and I had a lot of ambition. I also had obsessive feelings of guilt and I self-harmed. I wondered at times if I had BPD- I had crippling anxiety about being abandoned/betrayed and could become obsessed with people to the extent of thinking about them every second for months. I also had episodes of de realization and some paranoia under stress, but I didn’t want to self-diagnose; the doctor told me I had depression and anxiety and threw Prozac at me. The real kicker is I strongly intuited that the medicine wasn’t right for me, that in some way I was wired ‘differently’ to other people and had been all my life, and would be especially vulnerable to any adverse effects from psych drugs. I even flushed the first tablet I was going to take and gave it another day of consideration, and when I did pop the pill of death I was under extreme stress and was mostly acting on impulse. If I’d just binned the whole box, I could’ve saved my life.
Tree
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Re: PSSD and a knock on the head

Unread post by Tree »

Myself and many others in this forum can relate to your experience so you're not alone. I suffer from all the cognitive and sexual side effects you describe. This condition has left me completely debilitated spending most of my day in bed. Our receptors are fucked. These drugs are not safe. You must try to keep faith and a positive mindset to cope. It's not your fault you took this medication, these drugs are too readily available and overprescribed. No doctor will warn you about possible long lasting, permanent side effects from these drugs. We are actual victims so don't beat yourself up about it.
JakeLawe
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Re: PSSD and a knock on the head

Unread post by JakeLawe »

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Last edited by JakeLawe on Tue Nov 24, 2020 6:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Delfador
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Re: PSSD and a knock on the head

Unread post by Delfador »

Hello Zodar.

I just want to give you a hug buddy, your experience before and after pssd is exactly the same as mine so I relate entirely to your post.

If you want my layman opinion, try SJW as soon as possible, because it did help me a lot and I'm sure it will help you regain some sort of presence, empathy, enjoyment of music, sex drive, and motivation.

It may or may not cure ypu, and it may or may not give you brief windows of improvement, but what you describe looks to me like :

You are actually serotonine deficient, with a high 5ht2c and 5ht2a signaling, and a low post synaptic 5ht1a signaling. Along with other things posdibly (high aromatasier, possibly low androgen sensitivity, fast metaboliser of dopamine, high cortisol which upregulates 5ht2c)

I wish you the best, and we're all here for you if you need anything
Janzio
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Re: PSSD and a knock on the head

Unread post by Janzio »

Hey Zodar, have you experienced any recovery at all?
rladhope1
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Re: PSSD and a knock on the head

Unread post by rladhope1 »

Dude nearly word for word I am going through the same situation. And the same age. The detachment. The numbness. Good luck tho, you're not alone.
ErgogenicHealth
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Re: PSSD and a knock on the head

Unread post by ErgogenicHealth »

I have read your story now 5 times over. I want you to know that we are here for your support man. I can relate to a lot of what you have said and for me, the only things that can reliably get me into a window now are: 1. St John's Wort. 2. Homeopathic Phosphorus 3. Cyproheptadine rebound.
Sending hope and support, from Australia.
seismicwaves
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Re: PSSD and a knock on the head

Unread post by seismicwaves »

Zodar, I also feel the same most of the times and feel life is meaningless. I was prescribed fluoxetine when I was 18/19 and I took the medication for more than six months. It has been 14 years since and I cannot say that I have ever recovered from PSSD (primarily ED). The libido did return a couple years later but it was never enough.

After taking fluoxetine I remember sleeping most of the time so initially I failed to recognise the sexual side effects.

I had completely lost the ability to have or keep an erection. Years later I was having arbitrary erections while looking at inanimate objects and structures.

More time passed and I looked like a creep when I would have erections all of a sudden while talking to a female. And it lasts for a few seconds to begin with.

Apart from the sexual effects I know that I am very slow at learning anything. I am unable to have normal conversations because I am too slow at responding. Prior to taking fluoxetine I was never short of words and my mind was pretty quick. I am unable to keep a basic job because I am considered too slow.

This year is particularly hard as I lost both my job and my savings since our entire family got struck by coronavirus.

We do not need to end our lives as they are pretty short to begin with. There could be someone in your family who would feel devastated if something were to happen to you.

As time passes you should regain your interest in things that you always liked. For me that included watching movies, playing video games and listening to music.

I try to cope with this condition by playing video games though lately I cannot owing to financial problems and joblessness.

I also try to meditate and focus on making better choices, try not to think too much into the past.

It would certainly be easier if this condition got recognised world wide and there would be a sense of community and mutual respect.
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