OCDemon Intro

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OCDemon
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Nov 11, 2021 8:20 am
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OCDemon Intro

Unread post by OCDemon »

Hey all. I was on Rexulti, the successor to Abilify, an atypical antipsychotic. Very atypical: heavily agonises 5-HT1A and dopamine D2. This has left me with a host of seemingly permanent sexual issues (approaching 2 years since stopping it cold turkey, and zero improvements).

This has been life changing for me in a very bad way. I've faced very deep depression in my life, but this is on another level. I feel extremely alone and not a single person I know in real life can understand what I'm going through, not that it would help. I know the grief of wishing I could have my sexuality and my ability to enjoy it back but believing it really is gone forever, and every day having proof of that.

I've been practicing semen retention for over a year now, partly due to how depressing sex feels to me. I will say that I have at least become much better at enjoying non-sexual things in my life, such as my job and my hobbies and passions. However, even there, it feels like a part of my brain has been removed and the passion and excitement don't feel like they used to. Everything has this undercurrent of being tainted by this traumatic neurological injury -- which is what it really is, in my opinion.

I am a positive person and have always tried to have faith that healing comes in many forms, and recovery in unexpected ways is always possible, but this experience has shaken me to my core. I still do my best every day to stay positive and focus on what I can enjoy, not what I can't. One thing this experience has taught me is not to take anything for granted. Even being able to eat and walk, I am much, much more deeply appreciative of now, after realizing how rapidly our abilities can be lost.

So while this has been deeply traumatic and depressing, I am so grateful every day that I can see, hear, walk, and use my limbs. Over the past couple years these thoughts of gratitude have started to outweigh the depression and misery around sex and relationships.

Happy to meet you all. And sorry you're all suffering so much. Having your sexuality chemically altered/removed is an insane and inhuman experience that no one should ever have to go through -- but here we are. My intention is to stay as positive as possible while still facing the reality of this nightmare. Not an easy balance to strike.
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