Ghost

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Ghost
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Ghost

Unread post by Ghost »

These are my older updates from the old forum...with my newest at the bottom.

Ghost on Wed Oct 08, 2014 2:45 am

I am a 18, and college freshman this year. I have been dealing with severe anxiety over the past year. It was escalating as college approached. I tried to fight it naturally, but nothing was working. TWO doctors prescribed me Lexapro. I EVEN SPLIT THE DAMN 10MG TABLETS IN TWO BECAUSE I WAS SO SCARED. I reluctantly took 5mg Lexapro (Escitalopram) for 4 days. I stopped because I noticed insomnia, delayed orgasm, loss of sex drive, and genital numbing. I assumed that they would go away after stopping, but it has been 31 days so far without taking the medication. The orgasm problems have gone away, and I think that I am starting to get erections more easily again. Morning erections seem slightly stronger some days than when I first got off the medication. The part that kills me is that part of my genitals are still numb. It is the weirdest thing, and each side of my penis feels different, it's like splotches of numbness. I always had a really high sex drive, and now I'd say that It's lower than average. Maybe 60-70% of what it once was. I'd also say that my penis is about 25-35% numb, I can't tell for sure. My entire skin feels slightly numbed. Even scarier is the feelings of being emotionally dulled. I don't even know where I am emotionally/mentally anymore. My longtime girlfriend and I broke up the second day that I was on medication, so I'm all alone on this one. First off, I am totally shocked that only 4 days of such a low dose could give me such a hard time, but after reading through more stories I find that I may not be alone in this sense. I guess if you could find one positive thing about this, it's that my anxiety is quite better after taking the drug. Unfortunately, I have had to struggle with a new battle: depression. I NEVER had suicidal thoughts before going on medication. I don't plan to ever take my life, but sometimes I just don't even know what to do anymore. My parents don't even believe me on this one. It's like God (Who I struggle to even believe in anymore) is laughing down at me. How could an innocent 18 year old be handed this type of sexual/emotional death sentence when he reached out for help from DOCTORS? How is this S**T legal? Neutral

Edit: 12/2/14 This is another version of the story I told above. I posted it elsewhere on the forum and am putting it here for anyone reading my story. It's background Info. Above I said that I never would take my life...Well that night I was thinking about it...So I kinda lied...not anymore tho. Makes more sense if you read below. VVV

I always have been slightly depressed. Mild, not very bad. Depression runs in the family, but I didn't even know that until after this all happened. I got a concussion my senior year of high school doing a sport that I got talked into doing last minute by a friend. It was senior slide and I would get in good shape right? Wrong. Started having a few panic attacks. Aggravated anxiety and depression because I couldn't exercise. This summer I developed severe anxiety while volunteering at a church mission project away from home. Never had had any problems being away from home before. I just couldn't sleep that whole week much at all. Think it was stress of starting college. Thought I could sleep it off when I got home. Nope. Too anxious to even read. Went to P-Doc. Prescribed me lexapro and Ativan. Told me that this was totally normal and that I would feel back to my old self if I took the Lexapro. Fuck, I went in to try and get ADD meds because I thought I couldn't concentrate because of that. Tests came back Severe anxiety, moderate depression at this point...Fought all summer to not take them...Exercised every day. Lifted weights. Ate only organic healthy food. Took vitamins. Went to therapy. Meditated daily. Stopped drinking. Took ativan 3 times. Second 2 I had bad reactions ( I later realized this was because I was trying St. John's wart and that it speeds up ativan absorption, so I would trip the fuck out). One night I felt so shitty that I took 10mg lexapro. At this point, I had 2 doctors urging me to take it. Insomnia the whole night. My jaw hurt because I had been clenching it. Head felt bad. Swore I'd never take the shit again. At this point...I would've been fine.

Went to college. First night didn't sleep more than an hour despite taking ativan and trazadone. Woke up feeling hysterical. This wasn't who I was...who was I becoming??? I had always been the last person that you'd expect to have mental health problems. I ran around the running trails on campus balling. I just wanted to run away. My heart never quit pounding. What the fuck had I gotten myself into? I was so scared. I remember holding the fucking bottle in my hands...Escitalopram Oxalate...10mg... I read the side effect sheet carefully. It was this or dropping out of college after less than 24hours. The next four days I took 5 FUCKING milligrams of Lexapro. worst part...I think about day 2 or so, and I think I realized I was losing sexual function...I just didn't care. It had taken a hold of me. Day 4 I tried to masturbate. Erection Problems. Dick Numb. Delayed Ejaculation. Took the Lexapro and threw it in the trash. Never touched it again. Anxiety was gone. Sex drive was gone. I WAS GONE. I thought it would go away. The next week was fine. I felt happy and basically anxiety free! Then...Depression hit HARD. After 3 weeks or so I was losing hope. I was sitting in my bed contemplating Suicide. I used to love life. It wasn't me. It wasn't the old me at all...Yet I was that close to doing it. I pulled up my computer to see the time. It was like 3am or something... I searched "Post SSRI Sexual Disfunction" on google instead of searching just "Lexapro sexual side effects" like I had before. This site popped up...Honestly I think it saved my life... I decided to wait another day to rethink my decision. That's not even an exaggeration. The next day, a girl in the dorm next to me actually did kill herself. It hit me how terrible and real taking your life is. I told myself right then that I would live through depression, despite how unfair this has all been. The past 86 days are history.


Ghost on Thu Oct 30, 2014 1:47 pm

An update (not sure if anyone cares, but I said I would reply with updates) on how things have gone in the time since I last posted (Just over 3 weeks ago). I took my last lexapro 8.5 weeks ago.

I've had 2, week long "windows" of feeling a bit better, with a week long window of same old PSSD symptoms in the middle. Alcohol kills my sex drive, and numbs things worse. I noticed that taking 1000IU Vitamin D daily seems to have been the key for getting things to be a bit better. Also, I have taken 30mg Zinc the last week or so, and have been having hard morning erections almost every day since.

During these "windows" I can sometimes even feel that tingling horny feeling in my genitals that I can remember from before. It's short lived, but exciting.

The last 2-3 days (after taking Choline (500mg), Zinc (30mg) and Vit D (1000 IU)), I can really feel my sexuality fighting back. I'm getting erections in class, and have desire for women. I have had ROCK HARD erections for the first time since Lexapro the last 2 nights. Makes me so happy (as happy as you can be with a fucked up Dopamine system) Very Happy . I'm at 80% sex drive/ ability today. Smile

Downside...I still think my Dopamine system is still messed up. My restless legs/ muscle spasms have been a bit better, but not always perfect. I still have some anhedonia, concentration problems, and the dreaded Genital anesthesia (25-50% numb). That has definitely not gotten any better, my data shows it's worse if anything...Orgasm's were always great, but lately the build up is sometimes better than the orgasm, semen volume is lower/ and comes out with a bit less force.

I'm waiting for my shipment of Berberine to get here. Decided against Icarin for now because it's $70, and my horniness seems to be recovering slowly.

I've been exercising/ eating foods that should increase Dopamine/ testosterone, and decrease Prolactin. Zinc Helps with that too. Sadly, I think that it doesn't matter how much Dopamine I produce if it's not being released properly. I know that natural does not mean safe, but are there any subtle supplements that could aid with sensitivity/ anhedonia? That's the most sickening symptom for me thus far. I want to wait longer before trying something like Wellbutrin/ Buspar. Maybe it will just take time...but I'm getting sick of a numb dick.

I highly recommend Vit D, Zinc, Choline! Meditation really helps for stress, and seems to be helping too. My body responds to things quickly, and the response has been pretty good so far. I could just be healing naturally though, as I have only been off a short while. Best of luck to everyone and I will keep you posted!


Ghost on Wed Nov 19, 2014 2:44 pm

Another 3 weeks have gone by.

Mixed results. I've actually come off all the supplements to test where I am. Vit D eventually gave me headaches after days on end of use. Stopped taking Choline. Stopped Zinc about 1.5 weeks ago. Things have kinda stayed the same since then. I've heard that using Zinc everyday it eventually stops working as well. But idk. I've also heard that Zinc can sometimes do something to your nerves? I feel like I may have a bit less Genital Anesthesia since I stopped? Could just be natural healing too...the fact that I'm ok while off supplements is encouraging.

Everyday is different, but I'm almost always able to get a hard enough erection with visual stimuli, and usually just mentally. Something still is "off" however. Sometimes I'll get an erection but not feel the sex drive...sometimes I'll feel the drive...but have no erection...Somedays erections will be rock solid...sometimes just ok...some days I'll have a half-erection for a good period of the day...but it will never get full...It feels smaller and weaker, and the head is usually pretty soft and smaller still...Some days it all feels normal but just delayed. You may just think that your dick feels less numb the past few days before it hits you again. Semen amounts vary, maybe more recently? I can't tell...It's weird. PSSD is weird. It's anything but linear daily, but if you back up it looks like it's healing. Someday's you'd swear you were going crazy...It's a really hard thing to judge. I'd still consider myself around 80% maybe. The last 2 days I've had more tingling in my genitals. It's almost like sexual tension that needs to be released. Sometimes it's almost uncomfortable. Again...It's all so weird. You start to forget what it used to be like...so you don't even know what you are comparing yourself to.

I still have difficulty concentrating...but have done well on my last 2 tests in college.

I think that I'll try to go on Vit D and Zinc again this weekend to see if things kick up even more. Maybe Choline...I'm still meditating. Not exercising as much as I should...I'm busy.

I went to a Neurologist and she wouldn't do anything about Restless Legs/ Muscle Twitches. Probably didn't want to throw an 18 yr old on Dopamine meds. Oh well... Life moves on.

I've decided to wait on things until a month from now. At that point I may start actively pursuing more treatment again. My Psychologist talked me into not spending a lot of time researching PSSD...it helps sometimes to try and forget. very hard to do however. So I plan to only log on once a week. I think I have a shot at sex this weekend. I'm nervous...but will keep you guys posted on how it goes. Wishing you all the best of luck.

"It seems you're going through windows of recovery and esp if you have resolved the ahnedonia part ?"- Forex

Ehhh, it's hard to tell. Ahnedonia is really hard to quantify, especially because it never was complete for me. I'd say it may be a bit better. I think I can kinda feel love again to a certain degree. It just feels a bit muted still. My chest just feels kinda numbed where I used to feel that stuff. I have gotten stronger urges to cry recently when I've been angry, and actually had to fight it back, something that wasn't happening as often right after I stopped the drug. I would agree that they are good windows for recovery. I really would hope that less than a week on the drug would make my recovery come faster than if I was a long term user. But SSRI's are nasty stuff. But to answer your question, Depression seems to have lifted a bit, and with that, some of the anhedonia too. Only time will tell. I would give anything to go back pre-ssri and see what it was like. I never used to pay attention to all of these things before.


Jan 21st, 2015
I found out that the old forum was closed right as I was posting the update below.

I'm ghost. College Freshman. Took Lexapro 5mg for 4 days 4 months back. Been having some problems ever since. Used to suffer from anxiety, no longer do. Now I deal with depression for the most part.

Most of you already know me. Here's the update I tried to post 3 days ago...


It has been one day short of 2 months since my last update. A lot has happened, not all of which is bad or good. Luckily, I keep a spreadsheet of how each day goes (which I’ve started to slack on, but still get a few times a week), so I can give a good summary of what has been happening.

It’s 134 days since I quit 4 days of Lexapro. So when I last wrote we were at about day 74.¬ The next few days I had a few problems. Day 75, I had a bad run of form with erections for the next few days. 6-7/10. This was around thanksgiving time. These days my numbness was at about 40%. Then I had a better run with erections culminating in (at that point), my best day yet. (day 91) This was 3 days into a trazodone run that I continued for the rest of the week when I had genital discomfort and had to stop. Things remained pretty good, and after this week of trazodone, I had increases in semen amounts that have been permanent. Now we’re at day 97. This was during finals week. At this point I get on zinc 30mg for my first time consistently in about 30 days. I start Zinc day 101. I don’t have any records until day 104, when I have a great day. Days 105/106 I have sex, and it’s the best period of remission I’ve had yet. I hooked up with 2 girls, and neither noticed PSSD in the slightest. I noticed things were still 20-25% number than before, but functioning was totally good. This is when I was 85-90% in remission. I really thought things were gonna be better for good. The next few days, things went in the crapper again. Although I didn’t try having sex again until day 115. I had had a lot to drink, but was still about to get 90% up after I had sobered up a bit. I smoked that night, and orgasm was great, and sex felt good. So that was another pretty good day in a run of some bad ones. At this point, my trajectory stopped going up, and has stalled or gotten worse since. I haven’t seen many improvements in the past month, despite recently having a few good days a week ago. (I haven’t charted anything since 4 days ago), it’s been alright. Currently, I’m on a 15 day run of Zinc, and 5 days in on CDP Choline 250mg. I do not currently need trazodone for sleep. I’ve also been trying to have more caffeine. Some days, orgasms are INCREDIBLE, and some days, they are kinda bland. It’s…ugh. Kinda how it goes for a lot of things for me. Sometimes I’ll jut get this sex drive that will hit me like it used to…and somedays…jack shit. Everytime however, my penis is always a bit 20-30% numb, I have soft glans problems, and it takes longer and more stimuli to get erections although I can get it up after a bit most days. Especially really late at night when it’s rock solid. Morning wood usually isn’t as solid as it used to be. I’m at a functioning level, but I’m 18, and I still want that missing quarter or my sexuality, and that chunk of my emotions back. I want myself back. I hold out hope for more treatments, and time.

I think that I’m going to be getting into another relationship soon…Which is good. It’s something that I think will move me in the right direction at this point. In the sense that this shouldn’t be something that I allow to keep my life totally on hold for. I need to learn to live this way, because although I hold out hope for recovery with time, I don’t want to wait till then to live life. There’s no way to phrase this and make it sound good. My ex and I were all about sex. I was extremely attracted to her, and even with PSSD, I still was turned on by her. The girl I am currently with is still really cute, but I’m not overpowered with sexual thoughts when with her. She’s just not into that as much I think. That scares me, because I don’t know how things will go if we try sexual things. Also, it’s so hard now with some anhedonia to tell who I really have feelings for. Sometimes I can feel spurts of love or emotion, but sometimes it still feels kinda dead. And that sucks when someone is really into you, and you really want to be into them too. You can’t tell if it’s depression, PSSD, or just how you feel for a person. It’s shitty. I guess that should go in the relationships section, but I guess it pertains to my current status.

Cheers,

Ghost
Last edited by Ghost on Wed Feb 04, 2015 2:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
- Medical Student & Friendly poltergeist - Lexapro Sept '14. [Hx] [PSSD Lab] [r/PSSD] [Treatment Plan] - Add "Ghost" in replies so I see it :)
PZS1234
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Re: Ghost

Unread post by PZS1234 »

Hi Ghost,

Honestly, I am encouraged by your progress and your determination. Could you please send me your template/spreadsheet? I would like to start tracking my progress more systematically.

Have you noticed improvements with Choline or it is too early? Are you going to cycle it?
Are you planning on cycling the 30mg Zinc?
If you rated your sexual function before SSRI at 100%, how would you rate at the start of PPSD and how about now (I quit SSRI around the same time you did)?
If I am not mistaken you became more sensitive to alcohol too. Is this improving? (I am at a point where I need to limit myself to one drink at night or I feel drunk)

Good luck and thank you!

PZS
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Ghost
Posts: 1750
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Re: Ghost

Unread post by Ghost »

PZS1234 wrote:Hi Ghost,

Honestly, I am encouraged by your progress and your determination. Could you please send me your template/spreadsheet? I would like to start tracking my progress more systematically.

Have you noticed improvements with Choline or it is too early? Are you going to cycle it?
Are you planning on cycling the 30mg Zinc?
If you rated your sexual function before SSRI at 100%, how would you rate at the start of PPSD and how about now (I quit SSRI around the same time you did)?
If I am not mistaken you became more sensitive to alcohol too. Is this improving? (I am at a point where I need to limit myself to one drink at night or I feel drunk)

Good luck and thank you!

PZS

PZS,

here's the spreadsheet attached. It's a basic version of what I use. If you wanna see my personal one, PM me and I'd be glad to share. It's just been fancied up a bit to fit my needs. NOTE: It won't let me upload that file. I'll add the link here tomorrow.

Thanks for the encouragement! Even when things may be seeming to get a bit better, it still means a lot.

Yea I'm gonna cycle zinc. I was on for 3 weeks, and now I'm gonna take one off.

Gonna cycle Choline too. I've taken it 10/11 last days. Somedays I guess erections may be very slightly better, but not enough to differ from any kinda placebo. Same with orgasm. I usually get pretty good orgasms, but this may have helped a bit. IDK yet. It really helps some people, but hasn't been a miracle for me yet.

After SSRI: 60-70%. Now: 70-75 most days...sometimes 80+. But that's aggregate. Some parts are still not any better. If I'm turned on, I can get hard, but less girls turn me on now, and they have to be hotter.

I have weaker tolerance now it seems. But it's the same as my PSSD, it's always changing, and 70% normal. Maybe 4 shots now is my old 6. IDK. All I know is that it's not as euphoric anymore. Yea I laugh and am looser, but it's just kinda loss of control instead of bliss. Tonight I drank a lot and was more or less ok. Sometimes my tolerance seems higher (today atleast). Maybe it's healing or CDP Choline IDK.

Everything has slowed down in healing, and that sucks. I'm 18, and looks like I'm in this for the long haul. God it's a nightmare. Fuck.

When I have money, I try new things. Choline as example. I want things now that could help permanently. Inositol, Piricatam, Meriva SR or whatever Sonny took. This is horse-shit, and I want to snag that bit of my emotions/ sexuallity back, and get back to living (don't we all).

Hope this helps.

P.S: Hey catalunya
- Medical Student & Friendly poltergeist - Lexapro Sept '14. [Hx] [PSSD Lab] [r/PSSD] [Treatment Plan] - Add "Ghost" in replies so I see it :)
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