Missa Intro

[Missano20]

I've posted on here a couple of times but didn't officially introduce myself. I'm a female and I've had PSSD for 7 years now, initially started having sexual dysfunction after taking a course of Accutane and developed crippling depression. Over the course of two months it gradually improved to being almost resolved but I still had crippling depression from other things going on in my life and was suicidal. I was 17 and my parents forced me to go to a psychiatrist ( I had seen one in the past for OCD). I explained to my psychiatrist that I wanted to hold off on taking any SSRIs again because I was experiencing sexual dysfunction and she got frustrated with me off the bat, convinced me that 50mg of Zoloft was "an extremely low dose" and would have absolutely no affect on my sexual function, temporarily or permanently. She also wasn't convinced Accutane was the cause of my problems. Mind you I had taken zoloft when I was much younger but I wasn't sexually active at the time so I had no experience with the sexual effects of SSRIs. I did a quick google search and couldn't find anything about PSSD at the time, nothing permanent like Accutane. I took zoloft for three days and on the third day experienced extreme paranoia, foolishly took an additional pill that day in hopes I'd get relief (I didn't attribute it to the medication since this hadnt happened the last time I took it). Biggest mistake of my life. Developed PSSD much worse than what I experienced from taking Accutane. Genital anesthesia, numbness everywhere, emotional anhedonia, pretty much everything. I just felt like a zombie. I was absolutely devastated.

Fast forward to the next several years and I started to improved pretty significantly. I started to feel again, not the way that I did before, but I could feel emotions. I had probably 40% sensation on an average day and I could get aroused and I didn't have an issue with orgasm it just took me a while to get there. I fell in love with someone and actually loved them, perhaps not as deeply as I did pre- PSSD but I did feel the warm lovey dovey feelings again. This lasted several years so I considered myself OK at this point.

Little did I know I'd make another MASSIVE mistake and I started taking benadryl for sleep 3-4 nights a week for about 4 months. For those that don't know, benadryl is a weak ssri and is what SSRIs were developed after. I've been paranoid about taking any medication since PSSD but I had taken benadryl a lot in my life and had no clue it would be an issue. One day I experienced a significant worsening of symptoms and extreme difficulty in reaching orgasm, something I hadn't struggled with before. Instead of having the urge to masturbate every 1-2 days, I can now go a week or more without having the urge. Now it's more routine. My emotional numbness is also worse. It seems almost impossible for me to feel attraction. I lost the ability to feel "drunk" whereas even after PSSD I could get wasted and have a great time and also additional improvement in all my symptoms. I have windows of maybe a few days here and there where I can but then it's gone again.

I'm really pretty depressed at this point. I didn't mess up just once, I messed up three separate times and feel like I've destroyed any chance of hope. It sucks that I reached a point where I was actually happy and okay with my sexual functioning and now I'm rock bottom again. I lost the best relationship of my life with someone I genuinely wanted to spend forever with even after PSSD.

Things I've tried:
zinc and choline. I bought ginkgo biloba but haven't tried it yet in fear of it making things even worse (although truthfully that may not be possible at this point.)

MY GOAL: As nice as it would be to have sexual functioning back, I just want to feel again. Willing to try some things that help with emotional anhedonia. My depression I have about this may very well be making this worse too and I have an appointment with a therapist.

[tenacity]

Hi there! I'm sorry to hear about how you're feeling. I can relate to the feeling of it being like it is your fault but you really shouldn't feel that way, because it is NOT your fault. You were looking for relief and that is literally one of the most innocent things a person can do. I understand the hesitation in terms of trying new things. It really just has to be a cost benefit thing that you need to determine for yourself and you don't need to let anyone pressure you into doing something you are uncomfortable with. Really hard to find what might work because of this. Read up on Mesolimbo's posts and I think you'll be happy to see some of the progress he and some of the others here have been making on all of this. Feel free to message me if you feel like you need someone to talk to as well. Never an issue. Much love and I'm really sorry.

[Koivukovy]

Hey Missa, sorry to hear what happened. We need to keep fighting through this. Would you say you were heading towards a pre-pssd state before you took benadryl?

[Missano20]

Hey Missa, sorry to hear what happened. We need to keep fighting through this. Would you say you were heading towards a pre-pssd state before you took benadryl?

Pre-PSSD I was honestly hypersexual and overly emotional to an abnormal degree. I hadn't met anyone with a sex drive like mine, I was obsessed with sex. I honestly don't even want to go back to that, I felt too much emotionally and I couldn't keep a relationship.

I can tell you that before benadryl I had reached a point of not only acceptance but even a degree of thankfulness. My anxiety and anger issues had been dulled down enough that I was a pleasant person to be around and could make friends more easily, I started going out every day and meeting new people whereas even Pre-PSSD I was kind of a loner and never left the house. I still had genital numbness but to a degree that I was okay with and I had a high libido, enough that I considered myself a very sexual person. Post taking benadryl I feel what I imagine the worst cases of PSSD feel like. I can still orgasm though with a vibrator, but it takes an hour or more and I can't feel hardly anything. It's also extremely hard for me to get aroused.

[kamikaz3]

Welcome!

My story is fairly similar, I took Accutane and then Paxil. Accutane didn't make me depressed though. I only took Paxil for social anxiety and thought something was wrong with me due to having a hard time to relate and make friends. Was also hyper sexual until after Paxil, except it took 4 months to fuck me up.

[Missano20]

I was on 80mg of accutane and I only weight 115lbs, so I think that may have really screwed me up to begin with. When my dermatologist was on vacation his replacement told me that was WAY too high of a dose for me and I shouldn't have been on anything higher than 30mg.

So yeah, my body has been through a lot.