43, male, not sure if I am right here

[SufferThings]

Hey folks!

I am 42 years old guy living in Germany and have a long story of medication with SSRI because of 6 or 7 major depressions within nearly 20 years.

My story is starting at the age of 23. After developing a severe major depression with OCD symptoms I was treated with Paroxetine in the highest dose. After taking the SSRI I have had a lot of side effects like halluzinations etc. I have stopped taking the drug after 1 1/2 year. After this I have had discontinuation symptoms like brain zaps, panic attacks etc. but no PSSD. I was living with the depression for a long time without medical treatment. After some years it was getting much worse and I need to go to a psychatrist. There I have gotten Sertraline, sometimes 50mg, sometimes 100mg, sometimes 150mg. It was life changing and I was back in business. I have taken Sertraline for about 10 years. My sex drive was totally catastrophic in this time. In this phase I have met the love of my life. We were together for about 7 years...without any sexual interaction as I has had no desire for these things. Interestingly I was continuing masturbation but it was more a "mechanical" act to do something about a stressy day. After 7 years in this relationship she died. While still taking Sertraline after this, it was totally losing its effect 1 1/2 years after her death...I was in a major depression again. This time I was treated with Venlafaxine but it was effectless. My psychiatrist has told me to keep taking Venlafaxine as we do not know how worse it will get after stopping this medication. I was going to a mental hospital and the depression was getting better and better. I have stopped taking Venlafaxine after 1 year because my ECG showed a problem in the qt time.

And now we are here. I have had some relationships in this time after the death of my fiance and after stopping Venlafaxine but sexual interaction was extremely minimized after 1 or 2 months in the relationship. My main problem are the emotional side effects. I still have these symptoms:

- no ability to feel joy or pleasure (not only sexual)
- extremely rational thinking
- I am nearly emotionless. I cant feel anger or pleasure, I am never happy.
- nearly no sexual desire
- While masturbating it is still mechanical with a little feeling of an orgasm

For me personally the sexual symptoms feel like asexuality. That is okay for me. It is not nice but it is tolerable. Mainly the change in my whole emotional world is driving me totally crazy. To be honest: I would never commit suicide, but at the moment I am a lifeless shell..thats how I feel since years. Going out with friends: no joy. Go out for a walk with my dog: no joy. Seeing nice things: no joy. Having stress or trouble in my life: no feeling.

What are you thinking about this?

[IHateProzac]

I am 41 about to be 42 soon. Have spent a huge part of my life with sexual dysfunction and inability to feel pleasure in many things. I feel sad about my condition but I have learned to accept and live with it. That has helped a lot in overlooking the problem - i.e., PSSD - and enjoying whatever that could be enjoyed in whatever capacity. I guess acceptance is the first step for this followed by hope.