Finities-infinities intro. Very strong enormous anhedonia.

[finities infinities]

Yes, all symptoms and my brain damage started with risperidone. It was the school's fault that forced my parents to visit a psychiatrist and muddled me with drugs because I was "hyperactivity".

[Meso]

After reading your thread, it looks like your protracted symptoms are caused mainly by the antipsychotics.

I honestly found your thread confusing. So I need you to answer the following as clearly as you can:

- What are the doctor's current diagnoses?
- Why did the doctor put you on Amisulpride?
- Which drugs are you currently taking exactly?
- What are your current symptoms?
- Have you done any blood testing recently?
Keyword: current.

[finities infinities]

- What are the doctor's current diagnoses?
Dysthymia.
- Why did the doctor put you on Amisulpride?
We decided on amisulpride 50 mg with JayR in 20 july 2018 together with mianserin 60 mg ( but this drug is quickly stoped after severe autoimmunological disease). This is to increase the release of dopamine from presynaptic D2 antagonist, and 5ht2+alpha2 antagonist from mianserin. I was in a very bad condition at the time, which started on 25.10.17 after withdrawal of carbamazepine provide mimicking the symptoms of risperidone. But I didn't have libido problems at the time, only I had very strong anhedonia, depersonalization, hypervigilance, analytical and intrusive philosophical, suicidal thoughts about the depletion of things, strong anxiety anticipation, panic attack, akathisia, insomnia, diarrhea and I could not eat anything. But I didn't have strong motivational problems ( I workout hard in the time but my joint is very painfull) and I didn't feel sad, it was a terrifying emptiness. Mianserin + amisulpride worsened this condition. The first symptom I felt was a sudden disappearance of libido, workout motivation and a sense of masculinity. To my bad thoughts of running out of ideas and anhedonia. There was a very strong sense of morality and empathy. I began to isolate myself from people because I thought of them as a strange primitive creature that succumbs to ,,sinful" sex drive. I became like a fanatician religious without religiosity. I had such a strange morality that I treated all stimuli related to sex with disgust and felt very scandalized. My sense of disgust it was so strong that I didn't eat anything because I was just thinking about the bacteria that swim in the food. I felt sorry for everything, I had great empathy and a feeling of attachment. It was like asceticism, I was mortified as a penitent, I switched to vegetarianism because my thoughts about animal death were so strong that I couldn't eat. I was very afraid for my mother's death, I still had nightmares about how she dies. I waited in great fear for this moment when she would die. There were times when I was afraid of letting her out of the house because I imagined that a brick would fall on her and I could see that blood gushing. This is very traumatic moment in my life. I looked with great fear at the clock as my life passes. My sense of morality was so strong that when I started studying I had huge problems with people. At the beginning, at the integration event, I felt a great sense of scandal that people succumb to this primitive reckless drive, smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, it terrified me terribly, which made me tense, isolated and all wet with sweat. Especially that at that time poor children in Africa suffer and starve and we party here. I felt that people are corrupt because they think only of their own bodily needs and not of the suffering and needy. This disgusting feeling feel very strong almost nausea and itching in stomach region. At that time I stopped taking care of myself, neglected hygiene because during this time I had the ,,disgusting" impression that I am selfish and sinfull while taking care of myself. I remember that in college, one girl especially aroused my feelings - heavy makeup, selfish stupid scandalous behavior and very heavy smoker- for attenntion. Typical attention whore, stupid teenager. She pissed me off a lot, when I looked at her it was boiling up and I started telling her to stop smoking because I felt pity for her too. After a while, I started walking around the school, talking to people and teaching about the harmful effects of smoking and eating animals. Then I came back with suicidal thoughts that everyone else had the health of others in the ass and thought only about themselves. That this world is so bad. In addition, I collected things in my home as souvenirs and did not care about hygiene. My anhedonia and dissociation was so strong that I had trouble seeing. I still thought I was in nightmarres. My hands were still wet. At that time I was suffering from autoimmune diseases - arthritis, swelling, uweitis. My nipples were heavily swollen and water was gathering on my cheeks. I had a very plump face. I tested prolactin levels. It was very high, exceeding the reference range 5x, but my cortisol level is low. Before christmass I stoped amisulpride. After few days I feel less empathetic and my libido and masculinity is slighty started.
- Which drugs are you currently taking exactly?
clomipramine 50 mg, carbamazepine 500 mg ( I'm very dependance on carbamazepine, like benzodiazepine)
- What are your current symptoms?
The same like 10 years ago in risperidone. I feel like strong antipsychotic, risperidone without this drug in my brain.
-severe anhedonia 100%
-zero libido
-very good long therm memory with healthy state but very bad short therm. Uncontroll my traumatic flashback from past. My dimension is totally mixed, I don't feel time, season, weathers, and ,,magic" ,,climate" of place.
-hipervigilance, very good ,,philosophical-analytical" cognitive function, very high intelligence, autistic like with ,,dementia" like state in the same time.
- very strong anticipatory anxiety- but very strong ,,vigilance" which provide ,,inhibition" this anxiety. Dissociative state like: I am aware that I am breathing, I am overly aware of myself, hyperrational, very strong opposite to more psychotic state in other people and old healthy me- low awareness, magical thinking, psychological, colorful like state.
-very weird thought pattern- that my life doesn't make sense. That life is like a scenery rendered in a computer game, like theater - that man and chair are the same, just a different shape. As if everything was totally "objective" and the same emotionally. And if he feels something it is quickly quenched by my excessive consciousness, these thoughts always start with - "it's just". I am strongly aware that the number of resources in the world is limited, the number of hairstyles, ideas for clothes and one day it may be exhausted. So since I enjoy nothing, I put everything away for the future.
- Other people began to see me as stiff, autistic, overly analytical and "over serious".
-I have very good "visual" cognitive functions and spatial memory that the world seems to me devoid of secrets, very boring. As if he knew everything about it.
-This can be shortened as an example:
A person who lives in a world of beliefs that are irrational but thanks to them I feel happy. For example, he thinks magically - that dreams do come true, that they can be attracted by thoughts, he believes in god and what he thinks he believes in it. I don't analyze anything but live at ease and relaxed.
This person suddenly gets antipsychotic and as if that "pink glassed" falls from his eyes and suddenly sees the unpleasant objective truth about the world - that nothing makes sense, that God does not exist, that everything she believed was only a figment of her brain. She falls in strong depression and anhedonia because she lost all her inner peace and beliefs on which she based her personality, her dream, her ego death. I the same feels in risperidone 10 years ago and my carbamazepine PAWS actually.
-Symtoms in body:
-diarrhea ( I take big dose lysine for this).
-excess moving bowels, irritable bowels.
-hyperalgesia.
-strong joint ache.
-nausea and headache ( eye, temple region). When I look down especially.
- oversensitivity to senses, sound.- related to music anhedonia and quickly boredom from sound.
- worsened and ,,depersonalized" smell sense.
-often itching body.
-anorexia. Food in untaste, food anhedonia.
-excess rem activation, very weird vivid dream, often nightmarres.
- strong motion sickess.
- strong aversion conditioning ( all the action I do in this state is aversely coded, which makes me feel aversion to everything I have been doing recently.)
-quickly boredom.
-unable to relax.
-akathisia, strong RLS.

- Have you done any blood testing recently?
Low cortisol and Acth, high prolactin in amisulpride, low prolactin, low cortisol and good free testosterone level before amilsulpride.

[lukejimmy]

What makes you think Carbamazepine cause a Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS)? Wouldn't retaking the Carbamazepine cure you from the PAWS symptoms?
Did Betel Nut bring back pleasurable Orgasms?

[finities infinities]

I got PAWS when I reduced the dose from 800 to 300 mg in 25.10.2017, this PAWS simulating ,,risperidone" effect in my brain and persist all the time. As if my brain create new bad homeostasis or LTD like. Well before that I was taking an antibiotic from the fluoroquinolone group that increased carbamazepine in the plasma, maybe to an over-therapeutic dose.
So as if my tolerance has developed so much that I would have to eat doses above the therapeutic carbamazepine and keep increasing. This drug must act on some receptor and cause regulation. I remember in this year July by accident I took a supplement that increases carbamazepine in plasma which resulted in almost complete remission for 2 days, then I reduced carbamazepine from 600 to 500 and I already felt light PAWS after this donor. Substances that reduce carbamazepine in the plasma cause me such a strong deterioration that it usually ends with loading memantine which soothes and does not cause PAWS. Dextrometorphan also slighty helped my symptoms.
Carbamazepine pharmacodynamics is very not well know. I know only that is probably GABAA agonist like benzodiazepine ( work very similar in me)+ 5ht1a agonist which increase prefrontal dopamine which is blocked from Way 365 100, and of course sodium channel blocker.
Betel nut is recovered my sexual disfunction and motivational disfunction. I have wet dream in this drug, I feel similar to my childchood. But I not masturbate in this drug, I have constant anhedonia, this is hard to description but jak when I think about the upcoming pleasure (orgasm), I automatically think that it will pass away and a few second pleasurable with orgasm is unnecessary, especially since I feel worse after orgasm. In the past, when I was healthy, I didn't think so, I masturbated very often. Currently, my last masturbation took place 2 years ago. Although I feel all the orgasmic symptoms, they are devoid of this "hedonic" "magical" pleasure. As if everything was behind the glass and I observe it from the side and analyze it - it's just an orgasm, a physiological reaction of the body. Everything is so analytical, overly scientific, dead. For example, during orgasm, I can think nervously and wait for prolactin to be released to bring me to hell.
This is link:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10513560

[Meso]

I've learned over the years that depression is not merely a state of sorrow. Depression is despair. When one is depressed, the world feels dark, sinister, and full of suffering. One becomes overly philosophical in order to make sense of the "why". overly-analytical, trying to make sense of the shifted perception of the world.

Perception of the world changes and twists into a dark, nightmarish realm. Instead of feeling the "magic/climate" of a place, you feel only darkness. This background 'darkness' often becomes more pronounced when you are in brightly-lit room with white lights. It's dissociation and derealization. One thinks the world is not real. A cruel nightmare; a prison.

Depression is often insidious. You don't know that you have it. So you think that the world is indeed how you see it, dark and twisted. You think that you see the world as it's truly is. A clearer vision that only you know about or notice. This twisted perception makes you think that others are under an illusion if they are happy with such a meaningless world. Your kind-heart makes you think of ways to lessen the suffering of the world. Either that, or you'd fall into existential nihilism.

This is my opinion: you are suffering from melancholic depression. Since I had experienced very similar symptoms to yours some years ago. But here's my insight after overcoming it:

Depression is chemical despair. Since we are biological beings, of course we will see the world depending on our neuronal state. Nothing wrong or too 'materialistic' about it. We are made out of flesh. If your neurons are under stress, inflamed or malfunctioning, your perception becomes distorted. If neurotransmitters are out of balance, perception gets shifted.

You might be asking: is the world really this materialistic? what about spirituality then? what's the point of living?
In order for you to reach answers to these questions, it's extremely important that you first and foremost return to the normal 'baseline' that your genome determined. If you think about these questions with an impaired baseline, you will reach wrong conclusions clouded by deficient/imbalanced neuronal firing.

To reach that baseline, first you must address neuroinflammation and neurotransmitter imbalance. Focusing on mood improvement, restoration of the hedonistic response, and prevention of relapse are the main priorities right now. Forget about other symptoms, at least for the time being.

[finities infinities]

I am glad that you acknowledge the existence of my depression. In my surroundings, people ignore this problem. Maybe it is too difficult for them, my mother says that I only have OCD, displaces the rest of the symptoms. But I had more symptoms of OCD- like compulsive motivation for activities, and magical thinking like weird behavior when I was healthy! But how can you finally get over this suffering? It lasts almost 2 years. Doctors in PL are incompetent, they disregard the problem. Do you advise me to increase my clomipramine to 100mg? My problem is very worsened after betel nut discontinuation, I heard that is nicotinic agonist like: alfa2 beta4, maybe few day with DXM sensitixe this receptor and improve my symptoms? During betel nut world appear less odd and nonsense.
And what about carbamazepine PAWS? I feel that all this is due to tolerance to this drug. Grapefruit juice increase plasma level carbamazepine and decrease my symptoms. And why did amisulpride, which increases dopamine through a presynaptic dopamine antagonist, exacerbated my depression to absurdity? And it worked the opposite of my symptoms than betel nut which also release dopamine from alfa2 beta4 nicotinic?
What is your thesis on "my chemical" imbalance? Mesolimbic dopamine blockade?
I have also buspirone in home. Presynaptic 5ht1a agonist.

[Adweit saha]

You can give a try to mucuna prureins...It has helped many people for anhedonia though not for sexual part.Beware of initial panick attacks.I feel it has the ability to reverse anhedonia

Code: Select all

.It was working for me but had to stop bcoz of upcoming examinations nd reinstatement of ssri.

[finities infinities]

I have similar yohimbine- also noradrenergic. I like this drug, sometimes decrease my suicidal thought and worsen my over- awareness, over-conscious.

[lukejimmy]

So you feel all the symptoms of orgasm?:

rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvic region
involuntary muscular spasms in multiple areas of the body
Body movements
Vocalizations
?
But you do not feel:

rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvic region characterized by sexual pleasure or
a general euphoric sensation?

Can you remember in detail how your orgasms felt BEFORE you took Risperidone and Carbamazepine?

You say:

I have constant anhedonia, this is hard to description but jak when I think about the upcoming pleasure (orgasm), I automatically think that it will pass away and a few second pleasurable with orgasm is unnecessary, especially since I feel worse after orgasm.

But then you contradict yourself by saying:

Although I feel all the orgasmic symptoms, they are devoid of this "hedonic" "magical" pleasure.

So did either:

1. "think about the upcoming pleasure (orgasm)" and then experience a "few second pleasurable with orgasm"

or did you:

2. have orgasms "devoid of this "hedonic" "magical" pleasure"

Because it can't be both