In last days my state became unbearable, i felt that I had to act because I felt I couldn't stand and would suicide. I took yohimbine 2 day before in very bad state, but one result is slighty decreasing my overempathy, overattachment and irritability but my anhedonia and bad thought about I had diarrhea in last days, my bowel is very dancing, by bone is very painful and my hand/feet is constant very cold. Running out of things, putting off the reward. I thought is this state is maybe from 5ht1a and add 5mg buspirone ( I wrote that clomipramine not desensitize presynaptic 5ht1a) My tension was unbearable, I added movies about perfumes in youtube ( I'm perfumer also). But I was in such bad condition that I didn't do it because I afraid depletes off theme my films in future.
This is mechanism:
- I have to record a video on a new topic.
- bad thought attack, as if they are trying to discourage me from any exploration, that's why I'm blocked.
- that recording a movie on another topic exhausts it in anhedonia, aversive state and then it will remind me badly.
- analyzing like a robot what I will say and whether I will ever run out of world combinations and topics.
- automatic prediction of what will happen if it exhausts all topics and I have to record the same. Imagining myself in a few years.
During this situation, the anxiety increases, the limbs become blue with cold, I get stiff, I start to sweat, my heart beats and fast, I get into a panic and black hole, I have a feeling of not getting out of the situation, I begin to choke. Such situations have taken place every day for almost 2 years and are based on the same pattern of thoughts, my hands are still very cold.
Because of which I gave up my activities, these thoughts are like a voice of reason. It is as if someone on everything around me stuck cards with the inscription: do not explore it because you will exhaust / waste another stimulus in your life. As if I could not do anything because it would go to waste - because in the end you can not experience anything, you are as if behind the glass, isolated from the outside world.
It saddens me and I imagined that I was in jail for a long time and suddenly they say to release me:
-I refuse.
- someone surprised asks me why?
- because I could not celebrate and experience it, why should I be released and not feel the rare pleasure of it, others would cry with happiness. I would prefer to stay in prison and fantasize that something is still waiting for me in the future - going free and putting them off infinities. This is very odd but very difficult to describe.
Or as if I had 3 fragrances to smell:
-unpleasant
-enjoyable
-lovely <3
I would start with this unpleasant, that "in the future I will have something pleasant to smell", then I would sniff, but carefully the more pleasant, and the latter would be put off into the future and in effect would not sniff.
The same I have thoughts about human hair (about hairstyles - everyday, the hair is arranged differently, it is a spontaneous process and finally the combinations of their styles can become exhausted and repeat, why is the world so poor?)
In the same way (i'm student), when I rent a room / studio every year, each one has a different arrangement of furniture, I automatically feel a strong fear of what happens when I run out of furniture combinations in apartments, types of interiors.
Actual drug:
-clomipramine 50 ( is only promotivational and increase my tension to hell from this work) ( clomipramine work very good for me for first 3 week- anti bad thought, overthinking with side effect- calming bovels, constipation, dry eyes, dilated pupils, temporary ED+ body analgesia ( good for me because I hyperalgesia) and orthostatic hypotension which dissapeared together with benefits)
-carbamazepine 500 ( addiction)
- valerian root ( also addiction)
-buspirone 5mg
- l-carnitine tartrate( protection for serotonin from clomipramine)
- optionally acute yohimbine.
What buspirone work in me? Induced horribly insomnia, akathisia, with suicidal thought and ^ traditionally above like thought/perception. But in the morning I have strong window, bad thoughts began to include "mesolimbic" thought and fantasies about my future sex appeal, erotic fantasies which resulted in erection and a pleasant shiver all over my body and a sense of awesomeness. ( like from my childchood and acute carbamazepine before PAWS). Other buspirone positive effect is temporary anti-empathy effect in morning. This window is probably from alpha2 antagonist because is together with heavy tachycardia.
I have also simply picture illustrated my ,,emptyness" and world perception.
https://imgur.com/a/H9kEaq9
Can see scared eyes, a sense of lack of stability, agoraphobic emptyness and distortion consisting in the fact that while walking I have the impression that the globe is tiny, that I can get from one place to another in a very short time, which is why I can often walk long distances.
In addition, the constant feeling of unreality of the world and continuous sudden brain zaps like: what am I doing here? where am I?
I am asking for help because I can't stand it!
down.