My Report and Mistakes
Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2021 1:02 am
Hello everyone, I hope all of you are doing good.
I'm 30 years old and I live in Brazil - South america. Well, I'd like to introduce my case and my mistakes, maybe to help, or exchange some information too. And I apologize for any grammar mistake that I might commit, my English skills are pretty rusty.
I've always had some mid-range anxiety. Insomnia led me to a panic attack in April-2018, but as I was not aware of medication, treatments or such, I've kept on dealing with it my way, until august-2019, and on therapy as well. On that time, I was with serious stress and anxiety due to burnout from excess of work, had recently moved to another city and was nearly 5 days without getting to sleep. Then, I decided to go to the doctor and he prescribed me the Escitalopram 10mg (a.k.a. Lexapro), and a benzo (clonazepam) which I would take only for a few months - but I kept on using not frequently, only when I had some trouble to sleep. I always had some fear of medications in general, so this was a really extreme case. I wouldn't try it if I didn't feel (and was advised to) the need.
The 1st month of treatment was a hell-like: so much pressure in the head (same that I feel nowadays, but worse), dry mouth/throat, and the sexual side effects appeared in the first week (delayed orgasm/ejaculation, no pleasure, the effects that everyone tells). Well, it was horrible. But as I had a struggle with social anxiety, I kept on going, as the doctor and some internet stuff promised that "the side effects were temporary and not permanent". And in about 30 days, 35 days, being really diligent with the medication, I started to feel less side effects, could have normal erections, normal ejaculation (no delay or PE), pleasure, and was feeling a bit better of the original problem, could feel more present in the moment, calmer, etc. That gave me the impression that the treatment was good, and that I should not worry about things.
Doctor prescribed me Trazodone (50mg) two months after the beginning of treatment, to help increase my sleep. It indeed increased my sleep, but gave me some side effects like some long erections in the morning and during REM sleep, and apathy in the day. I took it for 45 days and left "cold turkey" coz I started to get afraid of these effects. I think it was my second mistake, maybe I should kept on trazodone, but I was afraid of priapism or permanent damage.
Before this, doctor tried to rise the Escitalopram to 15mg but I didn't respond well to it (I think it was too strong), and this gave me constipation, and worsened my mood and libido, then I decreased to 10mg expecting that the treatment would get back to its trail, but I guess it never was the same. This happened around december / january of 2020, I assume I have taken 15mg for about a month.
Then in 2020, pandemic year came and I kept the treatment with the 10mg, but not as diligent as in the first time. Sometimes I did not take the medication, and as I was working from home, was being able to sleep a lot more than when in the regular work, and changed the time I was taking it (nearly the lunch time). Libido kept very low, but I was still being able to feel some pleasure. Sexual side effects weren't a big deal for me coz I was single and didn't focus on relationships at that time.
I kept Escitalopram for most of the year, still had to deal with constipation, but haven't had much bad mood. I was noticing that the good effects of the medication were not helping as once. I thought that lowering the dosage could help me, and I asked doctor to lower it to 7,5mg (which was half of the 15mg pill), and he agreed. He didn't agree with discontinuation though. So I kept on taking 7,5mg escitalopram for some time, I believe that it was from october till december. I should've returned to doctor, but as I was not feeling so good and really wanted to discontinue the treatment, I didn't, and then in january / 2021 I lowered to 5mg for some days until complete discontinuation (didn't taper properly, just made it my own way).
Hardest part of discontinuing the treatment was the mood, it worsened a lot for some time (got really angry). In March me and my family got Covid-19, it was hard, but when I recovered from covid I was feeling pleasure, erection, almost normally. Libido didn't came back, but that wasn't a big deal. I mean, I could deal with the low libido, if I could feel pleasure with masturbation and such.
Things kept that way for about 5 months (from march to august 2021). No libido, a little depressed, but still could feel pleasure with masturbation, and that's how I was living life. But in september it sadly changed, and I dunno what triggered the worsening of my symptoms.
I was feeling 'ok' in august, had a very good day where I felt aroused and masturbated (like pre ISRS) and I thought that all would be fine again. I even cried one day. But these events were quite isolated and that day was one of the last days I felt pleasure.
At the beginning of september, I started to notice a decrease on my sleeping, libido totally disappeared and sexual pleasure as well. I still can get an erection, sometimes I have morning erection, and I can masturbate but when I ejaculate I feel almost zero pleasure... Maybe 10%? Dunno... That's making it hard to keep on going.
Also, As if this wasn't enough, I've been having tinnitus in my left ear, and I been feeling pressure in the same side of my head, just like when I began with Escitalopram in 2019 (two fucking years ago). Sleep quality had decreased so that I take Zolpidem to help me to sleep (I wasn't taking anything to sleep this year).
Well, this sudden worsening of things is making everything harder for me. I confess I wasn't aware of PSSD, and I started reading about it and it maybe can be one of the triggers, as well as stress at work. But Idk... I remember I was taking L-Triptophan between july and august, so it can also have affected me somehow.
---
Summarizing my current status,
I don't feel sexual pleasure when I masturbate or ejaculate, or even much of sexual will itself. I can get an erection normally but stimulation. I have very little libido, that floats - some days it happens, some days not. I got tinnitus in the left ear, as well as a small pressure in the same side of head (which I consider really boring)
I also got constipation (very annoying, I go to bathroom each two or three days), and some dhermatitis (or acne) in the forehead, which are two extremely bothersome things, but I'm not sure they are linked to PSSD.
I forgot to mention emotional blunting. Sometimes it's hard for me to feel pleasure with things or even sad - think of sad events and things. I can't cry. And can't feel much happy, but I don't feel angry or cringy either. Sometimes I feel kinda indifferent with life - which can't be so normal.
Another thing that upsets me is that my hair seems to be ugly... "dry", and the beard also. I definitely think something is wrong (still, not saying it's properly linked to PSSD).
What am I taking?
I took Peruvian Maca for about 20 days already (no result so far, 4 pills per day), Rhodiola Rosea (it worked for one or two days, giving me a better mood and feeling a bit better, but gave me a little anxiety, so I stopped, although I want to try again), and started taking St. John's Wort two weeks ago (and I have stopped, just to make a test, but had no cons or pros though).
Also I got back to running, but I only feel good when I can reach a really high heart-rate (185~192bpm).
One thing that kind of scares me is that sometimes, when I have deep sleep, I get an erection and I wake up. Or even when I relax a lot in bed and am getting to sleep. But that's not linked to stimulation or mind thing, this is involuntary.
I'm aware I will not get back to the way I was before. I don't care for having an extreme sexual wish, as it can also be bothersome sometimes (I had obsessive thoughts with sex when I was 24, it was not healthier either), but I just wish I could have a better life quality. I have been single (still am) most of my life, due to my nerdy ways, but I don't want my sexual life to end this way. The other effects are also very hard to cope with - this pressure in the head, acne, constipation etc).
I don't care if I need to take some medicine again, even if it's for the rest of my life, but I am really concerned about getting back on Escitalopram and living the same hell again and even worsening things . But in the absence of results or improvements, I believe that it will be the way.
I'm open to suggestions. I want to to avoid going to doctor, but as this pressure in the head doesn't seem to leave me, as well as the tinnitus, I may go.
But I want to try another medicine - Zoloft, Bupropion or Buspar are on my list.
As you can notice, my memory is quite good, so if you want to know further information you can ask me.
I'd like you guys some comments on my situation, what should I do first? Is there anything that can be helpful short or mid-term?
I am so sorry that I had done this damage to myself, and the reasons that it happened are not fair either.. Coz my life still sucks, and it's worse than before the treatment. That's maybe a karma thing.
I hope everyone gets well and wish you a recover and may you all find joy and hapiness, thanks a lot for reading and sorry for the long report.
I'm 30 years old and I live in Brazil - South america. Well, I'd like to introduce my case and my mistakes, maybe to help, or exchange some information too. And I apologize for any grammar mistake that I might commit, my English skills are pretty rusty.
I've always had some mid-range anxiety. Insomnia led me to a panic attack in April-2018, but as I was not aware of medication, treatments or such, I've kept on dealing with it my way, until august-2019, and on therapy as well. On that time, I was with serious stress and anxiety due to burnout from excess of work, had recently moved to another city and was nearly 5 days without getting to sleep. Then, I decided to go to the doctor and he prescribed me the Escitalopram 10mg (a.k.a. Lexapro), and a benzo (clonazepam) which I would take only for a few months - but I kept on using not frequently, only when I had some trouble to sleep. I always had some fear of medications in general, so this was a really extreme case. I wouldn't try it if I didn't feel (and was advised to) the need.
The 1st month of treatment was a hell-like: so much pressure in the head (same that I feel nowadays, but worse), dry mouth/throat, and the sexual side effects appeared in the first week (delayed orgasm/ejaculation, no pleasure, the effects that everyone tells). Well, it was horrible. But as I had a struggle with social anxiety, I kept on going, as the doctor and some internet stuff promised that "the side effects were temporary and not permanent". And in about 30 days, 35 days, being really diligent with the medication, I started to feel less side effects, could have normal erections, normal ejaculation (no delay or PE), pleasure, and was feeling a bit better of the original problem, could feel more present in the moment, calmer, etc. That gave me the impression that the treatment was good, and that I should not worry about things.
Doctor prescribed me Trazodone (50mg) two months after the beginning of treatment, to help increase my sleep. It indeed increased my sleep, but gave me some side effects like some long erections in the morning and during REM sleep, and apathy in the day. I took it for 45 days and left "cold turkey" coz I started to get afraid of these effects. I think it was my second mistake, maybe I should kept on trazodone, but I was afraid of priapism or permanent damage.
Before this, doctor tried to rise the Escitalopram to 15mg but I didn't respond well to it (I think it was too strong), and this gave me constipation, and worsened my mood and libido, then I decreased to 10mg expecting that the treatment would get back to its trail, but I guess it never was the same. This happened around december / january of 2020, I assume I have taken 15mg for about a month.
Then in 2020, pandemic year came and I kept the treatment with the 10mg, but not as diligent as in the first time. Sometimes I did not take the medication, and as I was working from home, was being able to sleep a lot more than when in the regular work, and changed the time I was taking it (nearly the lunch time). Libido kept very low, but I was still being able to feel some pleasure. Sexual side effects weren't a big deal for me coz I was single and didn't focus on relationships at that time.
I kept Escitalopram for most of the year, still had to deal with constipation, but haven't had much bad mood. I was noticing that the good effects of the medication were not helping as once. I thought that lowering the dosage could help me, and I asked doctor to lower it to 7,5mg (which was half of the 15mg pill), and he agreed. He didn't agree with discontinuation though. So I kept on taking 7,5mg escitalopram for some time, I believe that it was from october till december. I should've returned to doctor, but as I was not feeling so good and really wanted to discontinue the treatment, I didn't, and then in january / 2021 I lowered to 5mg for some days until complete discontinuation (didn't taper properly, just made it my own way).
Hardest part of discontinuing the treatment was the mood, it worsened a lot for some time (got really angry). In March me and my family got Covid-19, it was hard, but when I recovered from covid I was feeling pleasure, erection, almost normally. Libido didn't came back, but that wasn't a big deal. I mean, I could deal with the low libido, if I could feel pleasure with masturbation and such.
Things kept that way for about 5 months (from march to august 2021). No libido, a little depressed, but still could feel pleasure with masturbation, and that's how I was living life. But in september it sadly changed, and I dunno what triggered the worsening of my symptoms.
I was feeling 'ok' in august, had a very good day where I felt aroused and masturbated (like pre ISRS) and I thought that all would be fine again. I even cried one day. But these events were quite isolated and that day was one of the last days I felt pleasure.
At the beginning of september, I started to notice a decrease on my sleeping, libido totally disappeared and sexual pleasure as well. I still can get an erection, sometimes I have morning erection, and I can masturbate but when I ejaculate I feel almost zero pleasure... Maybe 10%? Dunno... That's making it hard to keep on going.
Also, As if this wasn't enough, I've been having tinnitus in my left ear, and I been feeling pressure in the same side of my head, just like when I began with Escitalopram in 2019 (two fucking years ago). Sleep quality had decreased so that I take Zolpidem to help me to sleep (I wasn't taking anything to sleep this year).
Well, this sudden worsening of things is making everything harder for me. I confess I wasn't aware of PSSD, and I started reading about it and it maybe can be one of the triggers, as well as stress at work. But Idk... I remember I was taking L-Triptophan between july and august, so it can also have affected me somehow.
---
Summarizing my current status,
I don't feel sexual pleasure when I masturbate or ejaculate, or even much of sexual will itself. I can get an erection normally but stimulation. I have very little libido, that floats - some days it happens, some days not. I got tinnitus in the left ear, as well as a small pressure in the same side of head (which I consider really boring)
I also got constipation (very annoying, I go to bathroom each two or three days), and some dhermatitis (or acne) in the forehead, which are two extremely bothersome things, but I'm not sure they are linked to PSSD.
I forgot to mention emotional blunting. Sometimes it's hard for me to feel pleasure with things or even sad - think of sad events and things. I can't cry. And can't feel much happy, but I don't feel angry or cringy either. Sometimes I feel kinda indifferent with life - which can't be so normal.
Another thing that upsets me is that my hair seems to be ugly... "dry", and the beard also. I definitely think something is wrong (still, not saying it's properly linked to PSSD).
What am I taking?
I took Peruvian Maca for about 20 days already (no result so far, 4 pills per day), Rhodiola Rosea (it worked for one or two days, giving me a better mood and feeling a bit better, but gave me a little anxiety, so I stopped, although I want to try again), and started taking St. John's Wort two weeks ago (and I have stopped, just to make a test, but had no cons or pros though).
Also I got back to running, but I only feel good when I can reach a really high heart-rate (185~192bpm).
One thing that kind of scares me is that sometimes, when I have deep sleep, I get an erection and I wake up. Or even when I relax a lot in bed and am getting to sleep. But that's not linked to stimulation or mind thing, this is involuntary.
I'm aware I will not get back to the way I was before. I don't care for having an extreme sexual wish, as it can also be bothersome sometimes (I had obsessive thoughts with sex when I was 24, it was not healthier either), but I just wish I could have a better life quality. I have been single (still am) most of my life, due to my nerdy ways, but I don't want my sexual life to end this way. The other effects are also very hard to cope with - this pressure in the head, acne, constipation etc).
I don't care if I need to take some medicine again, even if it's for the rest of my life, but I am really concerned about getting back on Escitalopram and living the same hell again and even worsening things . But in the absence of results or improvements, I believe that it will be the way.
I'm open to suggestions. I want to to avoid going to doctor, but as this pressure in the head doesn't seem to leave me, as well as the tinnitus, I may go.
But I want to try another medicine - Zoloft, Bupropion or Buspar are on my list.
As you can notice, my memory is quite good, so if you want to know further information you can ask me.
I'd like you guys some comments on my situation, what should I do first? Is there anything that can be helpful short or mid-term?
I am so sorry that I had done this damage to myself, and the reasons that it happened are not fair either.. Coz my life still sucks, and it's worse than before the treatment. That's maybe a karma thing.
I hope everyone gets well and wish you a recover and may you all find joy and hapiness, thanks a lot for reading and sorry for the long report.