A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by OCDemon »

anacleta wrote: Wed Aug 03, 2022 4:49 pm
OCDemon wrote: Wed Aug 03, 2022 12:11 pm...
thank you for telling your story, it is terrifying but also interesting to see where and how PSSD has crept in over the course of life. Perhaps there are not a few cases where PSSD (or similar syndrome) comes on people who were already suffering a lot and for a long time. hurts that add up to more hurts, maybe after the illusion of having found a way to get better, here comes the "punishment". the feeling may be that you don't deserve any happiness. when things are uncontrollable and it goes the worst way I get the feeling that "god" doesn't love me
you are the first one I read who describes a side of the coin of loss of sexuality and emotionality that is not totally negative in comparison with previous suffering.
did you ever have feelings of vivid resentment for that ex of yours, ideas of making her pay, or was flattened by Rexulti?

for me this latest affair fits into the larger picture where it seems that I cannot find solace or healing.

I hoped that my emotional potential and sensitivity would be the tool with which to heal my wounds

I had a mirage of someone in whom so many meaningful things converged and I invested so much of my interiority at some point I felt that he could have tremendous beneficial power over me, which I cannot recreate on my own, but it was in the moment that he was deceiving me.

this affair could teach me that my affectivity and sensitivity is something worth throwing in the garbage. it is what made me fail in life, what gave me childhood traumas that were never overcome, what caused me to lose my most important affections with following feelings of mourning and guilt, self-isolation and depression, what led me to take psychotropic drugs and PSSD, and, since I was not already ruined enough, it was also something to be made fun of at 34.

but I would not want to lose it now, i am more tempted to embrace my affectivity and make that flight together...into the garbage
Rexulti flattened it. I was more mad thinking about her sleeping with other men. And that anger was mostly because she was a hypocrite: shaming me ruthlessly for going on Porn on my phone, shaming me for masturbating by myself, etc. She basically completely controlled my sexuality and wanted to possess me, while claiming she loved me, and while I have no solid proof, she's alluded multiple times to sleeping with other men and it drove me crazy. The Rexulti did flatten that and for the past several years I haven't felt any rage but I do feel the occasional pang of anger or jealousy, so maybe my emotions are still coming back online.

I'm going to be 33 this year, so we're similar in age. I've had similar experiences. The sensitivity is a vulnerability. However, I choose to not dispose of it, but to keep it more private. I'm much more careful about who I get personally involved with, which at the moment means no one except one of my best friends who I've known for 18 years. I've tried making new friends and was harshly judged many times for "choosing" to stay in this broken relationship.

When you're sensitive, you're vulnerable to abuse, and then anyone you go to for help, or to just talk or vent, will also judge you and victim blame you. "Well, it's your fault for choosing this person." And things like that. As if we weren't already aware of the choices we've made, but the whole point is that the childhood traumas and vulnerabilities cloud our judgment and also make us feel shame for literally anything we decide.

Anyway. For me it's a mixed bag. I still have libido, to an extent, though it isn't what it used to be, and ejaculation is more unsatisfying and depressing than it is satisfying. A lot has changed. And again, it doesn't help that my ex is the only girl I've had sex with, so I bonded very strongly to her.

It is very unfair, as you say. Like we live our whole lives being deprived, then finally find what we're looking for, but the source is poisoned. And then our lives are ruined more than they were before. Hope feels like it's been completely taken away.

I haven't given up yet. What medication were you on, and how long have you had PSSD? I'm going on 3 years myself, since stopping Rexulti, but if you include the fact that I had the negative effects as soon as I started it, it's been over 3 years by now for me.
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

OCDemon wrote: Thu Aug 04, 2022 1:16 pm What medication were you on, and how long have you had PSSD? I'm going on 3 years myself, since stopping Rexulti, but if you include the fact that I had the negative effects as soon as I started it, it's been over 3 years by now for me.
citalopram 10 months, sexual dysfunction 9 yrs :|
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

People who tend to become victims of emotional manipulation are usually people of marked sensitivity, very close to the needs of others, emotionally fragile or insecure (but not necessarily), endowed with high empathic capacity, fear loneliness and are afraid of being abandoned, idealize others with ease, do not want to disappoint others, and need to give a consistently positive self-image. The above traits are commonly found in dependent personality disorder (DPD), and it is not uncommon for people with depression to have manipulative relationships.

and he, from whose lips I used to hang, with whom I used to talk about the misbehavior of the psychiatrists of the world, as if he were better and special, what does he do seeing these personality traits? he who empathy, sensitivity, and sincerity has long since lost them or perhaps never possessed them, instead of feeling tenderness for me as I dreamed he thought of abusing my emotionality, as a pedophile does with the innocence of a child.

I had a blood draw several years ago with a young doctor. i was immediately anxious and he must have noticed it. i was not watching the insertion of the needle and the drawing of blood, i was with my face turned and hoping it would be over as soon as possible. but i feel a horrible sensation when he moves the needle this way and that way from the vein, making me wince several times. i think he's not catching it, and i tell myself to be patient, poor guy, he'll make it. but it was strange at one point, and then in between moans i look at him, and realize that he wasn't there struggling with my vein, he had his eyes lifted to look at me with a sadistic smirk, he was enjoying seeing my reactions of suffering at his hands.

- "you don't have to answer me", "you can tell me to stop" I would add after certain messages, as if I had a need to express certain things to him but at the same time I didn't want to disturb him or put him in trouble
- "you've always been fair to me", "you haven't done anything wrong to me", I would tell him as I suffered from the ambiguity of the situation, as if I wanted to reassure him about qualms he might have for me
- "sorry if I put you or you put yourself in a role that doesn't belong to you," I blamed myself
- "i've never felt so borderline before" i communicated to him a couple of times while being surprised by my own unstable moods. he didn't care about that (he was probably aware and amused that he had triggered it)
- "I want to put myself in my place for a few words that are understandable and sincere", I asked him several times when I was in too much pain, only to be told that we had to stay in ambiguity longer.
- then the non-answer going on and on about "serious problems too complicated to explain" (which i later found out were just lies). meanwhile i cried in pain for two days coming to think that he had serious health problems that he didn't want to tell me about so as not to traumatize me. how funny, so as not to traumatize me. always this self-conviction that he was taking care of me underneath, in some mysterious and wise way that he knew, when it was just the opposite. i had so much compassion and sorrow for him during those days and just wished he was okay. i could only overcome this prospect by confronting someone else and finding out that he had lied to me.
- the idea that he had some emotional difficulty still dawns on me, as my stubborn need to find in him a kind of humanity--that doesn't belong to him. from before to after, he just carried on his own game as a narcissistic old man with no conscience. and far be it from him to have any sense of guilt. to have any scruples for someone like this is to give pearls to swine.
- when he asked me for favors I felt honored because he made me feel important. after capturing other people's trust and feelings, he is capable of exploiting people as "slaves," I discovered that he is this kind of person.
- and to think that, as much as I was beguiled, it would have been enough to catch one authentic detail (or that I thought it was) that aroused my empathy, to forgive him everything else. that detail did not come, just as well, impossible by now to think of authenticity on his part.
- when I expressed the thought that he did not want to hurt me, he said nothing
- when I was angry and blamed him, he said nothing
- when I apologized because I felt guilty, he said nothing
- and when I told him that his attitude was making me seriously ill and it would only take a few words to curb this madness, he didn't bat an eye.

because for this son of a b it is too funny that a person like me who has suffered for almost her whole life and thought she could find solace in him, after esteeming and even defending him for years, is being mocked and made to suffer to the point of suicide. why make it clear that there is no room for her? i am a psychiatrist and i know how to use manipulation techniques, look how they work, how funny.
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

the dynamics (if you are another woman among us please write to me)

he spends hours of the day sending emails. it's not surprising at all if he responds quickly to an email from you. when someone enters his environment, particularly women, he will try to engage them, hurl appreciations for things that have been helpful and supportive to him and flattering phrases (e.g., "i'd love to meet you someday", "you're amazing"). then observe if they make the other side take. something akin to grooming online.

often this attitude is aimed at vulnerable, suffering people with low self-esteem and little social network, who will be impressed by the consideration that comes to them from a "renowned" doctor to whom they are grateful, and will be motivated to give more.

creation of an ambiguous context. he allows and incentivizes the development of deeper and deeper transference feelings, does not give reality directions (which would be necessary out of respect in order to prevent the enormous suffering later, all doctors know this), rather, leaves crumbs and encouragement, welcomes romantic and erotic messages to which he gives gentle feedback.

he uses plausible deniability, for example by mixing a "seriously" with a playful message. plausible deniability will allow him at the appropriate time to deny your perception of what it was, to cover his ass. in fact, he already has a partner in life, but he carefully avoids mentioning it because that would be a limitation to his games.

the benefits he gets by taking advantage of other people's feelings are narcissistic, professional favors and tasks. many women at the time they were in this position helped him by doing free work, supporting his work with donations and word of mouth, spreading the word on social media, etc. when faced with someone pointing out to him that it is not right to exploit feelings by deluding that they are reciprocated, his covert response is "master-slave relationships." this also indicates that there is absolutely no displeasure and guilt for others' hurt feelings: he is perfectly aware and abusive.

women who end up in contact with this individual may be fragile personalities who have already been abused and/or hurt by people or drugs, and may see him exactly as a special man/doctor who unlike the others is righteous, correct, saving. women who may have low self-esteem will have their self-perception challenged and be confused about the value to be placed on themselves and in relation to him ("borderline" effect).

the ambiguity of the situation and the feelings that have become intense may result in great pain in the "caught" woman (see Breadcrumbing) who may at some point need more clarity. upon asking for it, he will not grant it, as if there is really nothing to clarify. his reaction may be Ghosting practiced with extreme coldness and indifference in the face of the suffering of a person he was coddling, appreciating, and deluding just a short time before. he will deny any human recognition of her feelings (pain, confusion, anger, guilt, sorrow, lack, affection, disbelief, etc.) leaving her at the mercy of these feelings.

although in the moment of the exchange and friendship relationship he seems to have a genuinely beneficial and helpful role in the lives of other people, the incredible indifference and cynicism with which he ends the relationship when a sincere confrontation is required reveals that even the previous phase was in fact subjected to abusive dynamics on his part. let us remember that this is a psychiatrist well capable of recognizing and directing ties and attachments. the insensitivity with which he confronts the sincere pain of those he had deluded, after having cared for them for some time, appears at that point something sadistic and deeply sick, which has shocking, traumatizing repercussions on the women who had relied on him, on whom they had channeled so many important meanings (attributing value to themselves, being useful to someone/something good, feelings of care, love and trust...) and of whom they had sometimes made the center of their universe.
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

although the truth was unfolded to me (at least this was a shock useful and sensible), I still have moments of confusion, it seems too strange and absurd and I think he could not not love me while he was giving me that time and responding to me in that way. I don't mean love in the intense sense of the word (in italian there are two ways to say "love" and I would like to use the gentler one), but simply wanting my good, kind of like how a grown man might have tenderness and pleasure in encouraging a younger girl because he wants to boost her self-esteem, in a selfless way... then of course, I hoped that he inside would come to admit to himself that an unusual person had broken through to his heart.

for me he would be the cure to my wounds of PSSD and even more so to those of my relationship with my father. and I even expressed to him in various ways that I was imagining him that way.

frankly, I cry myself to sleep when I think of his unscrupulous games in relation to this, because there is little to play with.

one thing I have to say. since he has this "vulnerability"/ vice to engage in manipulative patterns/unfair communications (i.e. capturing women and dragging them into severe delusion and suffering for a long time while exploiting them, but what could I know?), I served myself to him on a silver platter.

already a couple of years ago the transference had already begun to form long ago and I communicated it to him like this
At times I get lost in reveries or mental trips
I'd like to share it with you to do different than
I always have. but I wouldn't want any reply.
I tell you you have this power because I trust you
Your coldness sometimes scratches
like rough fingertips on sensitive skin.
It frustrates and thrills me
I also desire your sweetness. I guess there is
no place and that's okay...maybe better.
Many who have pssd, made me understand
that desire can also be beautiful in itself.
Can a man act wisely by reading your heart?
do more good than he is asked to do?
love you more than he'll ever make you understand?
make you find meaning through his cold ways?
I cry imagining that behind your unspoken emotions
and every regard there might be the affection I needed

well I put the steak in front of the dog.
this obviously doesn't exonerate him, but it does give me some pity (i need to visualize the snout of a dog).
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

In progress, I am putting together a few episodes of distorted perception of reality that a style of communication as a true psychiatrist generated for me. it feels like writing the comedies.

- there was a period, right after the one of his increased availability, when by my own volition I distanced myself because I realized that I was suffering more than made sense because of the ambiguous situation, the feelings playing ping pong in my head, and the frustration of not being able to meet him physically. I let him know. the result of those 3 weeks of self distancing was akin to withdrawal syndrome (I missed his feedback), I seemed to be going crazy, at the mercy of conflicting feelings and thoughts about what value to place on myself and him (borderline effect, but I had never been borderline). I would wait for a message from him to arrive to reestablish meaning, and when a notification would come and I would jolt thinking it was finally him and instead it was an advertisement, the world would come crashing down on me and I would come to think that "god" didn't love me, that god had punished me because I had dared to hope that it was what I was so desperately wanting (and didn't deserve), going so far as to be afraid to show myself wanting even when I was alone in a room.

i was distressed by the worst forebodings and tried to silence them with the thought of how he, until a few days before, had the power to soothe me every time with his answers (even if they were not "comforting" answers). i blamed myself for not being able to keep the value of his past answers within me. I couldn't take it anymore to sustain those conditions, I contacted him again to let him know that I needed some direction of reality, some clarification, any truth that was true would be fine with me, I just needed to know, because I was degenerating.

and so I didn't hear him answer something like "I was having fun with you, I have my narcissism too, but now I see that you're getting too involved, you say you suffer and I don't want that, we need to distance ourselves"... or something else... no, he did the most absurd, damaging and criminal thing he could do, giving me only non-answers made of total ambiguity to precisely prolong the state of "madness" that he had triggered and for which I asked him for help. he ignored my every expression of pain and my feelings at the time I needed him most. this sort of rejection echoed the abrupt break in the emotional relationship with my father when I was a little girl just after it had become more intense and important to me, to my self-esteem and identity.

it was like a nightmare coming true when you were trying to calm yourself down by telling yourself every minute, "it's just a nightmare." i had thoughts of suicide, while another part of me imagined that he knew exactly to what extent it was a good and right thing for me to suffer, before coming back to me just in time saying, "there, did you see how much you've been through? but it's all tricks of your mind. i've been here all along, loving you as before."

- Bewildered and hurt by his detachment, I decided that I no longer deserved his trust (and in retrospect I did very well: he did not deserve mine) and made the rash move of contacting someone close to him, even asking if by any chance he had any autism issues (maybe I was misjudging him...). that person then explained to me the patterns he had operated that had devastated others in the past. to these concisely and directly written explanations my first reaction was "what the fuck is this?" and after being stunned and rereading those sentences several times, I laughed thinking that in reality it couldn't be that he was either taking the piss out of me in a mean and angry way, or taking the piss out of me by joking with me (as if he was saying to me with a complicit little smile: do you really think that about me?). after laughing I cried thinking that despite everything I had expressed he still had no empathy for me.

but no: it wasn't him talking between the lines of that message. it was the fucking honest explanation being revealed to me by someone supportive and opposed to conspiracies of silence. i was already so shocked that my brain didn't accept even that shock there and then, plus that message seemed so dry compared to my need for solace and humanity that i was looking for, and it was strange that it could really come from that person, so i believed for a couple of days that he was actually behind it, until that person proved me otherwise.

- in those same days, I received a non-response from him insisting that he had serious problems for which neither I nor anyone else could help him, adding more details than previous times, making it appear to be a serious situation in front of which he was powerless, so that suddenly I no longer felt my pain, or rather I felt a different pain: I apologized and self-incriminated for my insistence and for accusing him of being insensitive, wished him all the best, and tried not to be dramatic so as not to inflict the situation. in fact, I believed that the secret explanation was that he had a serious illness that perhaps left him with only a few months to live, and he would not tell me either so as not to traumatize me, or to feel weak by getting my sympathy, or to jinx himself.

soon after that i started crying desperately and did it for two days, oh god please let him be just fine please. i wasn't ready to lose him and got agitated wondering how i could get to him on the other side of the world, me who barely reach the next town by myself. I looked up information about buses, trains, planes. if there was anything meaningful I had to do at that moment, it was to be able to reach him so that I could hug him once in my life. i would show him how important he was to me, how much power he had to make me "grow up" if I could. vice versa, when he was gone, it would have been heartbreaking to know that I had lost the opportunity to meet him because of my own difficulties, after all that he had meant to me...fortunately, that person who knows him rewrote me assuring me that he had no particular problem and that he was doing as if nothing affective had happened, so it was all baloney to keep me on my toes longer. suddenly my tears stopped and from the pity of the thought of him laid out on a hospital bed I went to the thought of: what a piece of shit.

- I fully embraced the explanations I received (about his misbehaviors and unfairness), metabolizing them bit by bit, having to re-signify even every past message from him that had seemed sincere and kind and had had the power to give me great, ephemeral pleasure. i have yet to complete the process, because his (imaginary) loving gaze is still able to appear in my mind in an instant, as if hidden behind the door.

for example when he would introduce me to people by praising me and listing the things I could offer (exaggerating them). in fact, this had annoyed me a tad and put me under pressure (I felt I had to meet his high expectations), but I thought that because he loved me, he wanted to have a Pygmalion effect for me, to encourage me by showing me that he believed in me so much. since instead he was using me as a puppet to feel powerful and get things, I now think: who the fuck does he think he is? how dare he tell people what I can offer? does he think I am his "slave" (as he likes to see and call the enchanted people who help him)?

in spite of what I have known and what he is showing, perhaps I am exaggerating in seeing him without humanity, that is, without feelings, affection, emotional reactions, good intentions, empathy, sorrow, vulnerability, difficulties, guilt. maybe it is just another canvas hiding the truth, but now I think it is the portrait he is deserving of.

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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

if he sadistic is not... more or less pertinent musings always in search of meaning.

he likened me to a limbless woman capable of holding eyes, out of a seductive suggestion that made one forget for a few moments that I was maimed (...). he did it far more than I did. he created a huge illusion in my mind, when in fact he is maimed.

i idealized him as a man who had at least 3 times the empathy of an ordinary man, with whom he could work wisely and mysteriously to disseminate good. in reality he has no empathy at all, not even that of an ordinary man.

it does not mean that he does not know how to recognize other people's emotions and feelings, but that he does not "feel" them by identification, and therefore, if they are troublesome, they are none of his business, whereas as long as they amuse him he enjoys playing with them, and if they are useful then they are very interesting.... he feels no sorrow if he sees other people's psychic suffering, he feels no guilt if he caused it, so he has no interest in stopping it unless it is useful to himself to stop it (I have to repeat the same concept in multiple formulations in an attempt to assimilate it).

he sees the reactions (emotions/feelings) of the people he is dealing with: he observes them, learns to recognize them and how to activate them through communication (and psychological tricks) and behavior, to exploit them in the way he wants (mostly), and would also know how to avoid them.

but why engage in avoiding probable reactions of others, unpleasant only to others, in other words, why engage in not hurting others if it will have no consequence on himself anyway? there is no heartfelt motivation in paying this attention. rather, as long as there is amusement from others' reactions, or a concrete benefit such as a job obtained for free, he tries to get the fun/benefit.

he plays with the naive emotional susceptibility of others: he does not feel emotion from the relief he can give, he does not feel a warm need to respect, protect, defend their fragility the moment he can see it because he has gained all their trust. his satisfaction is feeling powerful, his pleasure comes from his ability to condition and manipulate, to recognize and control cause and effect, in other words, to be able to observe his own effectiveness. he plays with people's reactions with the curiosity of a scientist who jangles the nerves of a torn rat.

This is behind kind, friendly and respectful manners.
and in the presence of his god which is his work.

he does not make his impairment a flaw, more probably takes pride in his advantage: he is narcissistic and able to rationalize the consequences of his shortcomings and even his emotional manipulations in a way that is useful to himself, thus taking away that voice that suggests he should feel responsible or guilty at that moment.

after all, one can't get too upset about it; if he lacks a human faculty he can't just make it up out of thin air.

and he, such as he is, has found a way (and has chosen to take the path) to do so much good to so many people, by listening and discerning certain cause-and-effect reactions in contexts of injustice and suffering that would be unsustainable in the long run for empathetic people. he is so exceptional in some ways because he is impaired in other ways.

you cannot ask a man to be a god. from this point of view, "demanding" his sensitivity, his empathy, his sorrow, his guilt, is it not violence?

if he is not touched emotionally by the pain of others, he cannot have this "motivation" to be careful not to create contexts in which he will hurt people emotionally.
he needs well tangible negative consequences on himself to make sense of that effort that another person might experience simply as an acknowledgment of a person's feelings in order to better respect that person...

he needs to abide by established boundaries in order to be able to respect people. i would never have thought that about him, a spirit so special that he could fly over any pattern, and i didn't think about keeping those boundaries at all, in fact for me they were the first thing to get rid of, which it would have been wonderful to get rid of with him, because he was him...

"... for a moment, Villanelle envies that capacity... to share another's happiness, to suffer another's pain, to fly on the wings of real feeling rather than to be forever acting. But how dangerous, how uncontrollable, and ultimately how ordinary. Better, by far, to occupy the pure, arctic citadel of the self."

Killing Eve: No Tomorrow
(Luke Jennings novel, Part 7)
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

pointing the finger at me: how did I end up being deluded, manipulated, deceived, exploited, mocked, disrespected, and mistreated?
I don't seek these things, far from it, so I have many reasons to be pissed off (certainly more at him than at myself).

under what circumstances did I end up that I would give body and soul to someone who did this to me?
there would be much to say about my mental health and about the miserable situation I am in, but:
-isolation -solitude -alienation -dependence -transference -pssd -internet -he and his fucking deceptions.

i have moments of real fear about what happened to me. i wonder what exactly i was a victim of, who and why.

it is certainly not something that was formed in the few months at the beginning of the year, it is something that has been going on for long time, that had laid a solid foundation within me somehow.
what kind of person did I adore, serve, and rely on so much for years?
because of whom, in whose indifference, was I so sick that I felt driven to suicide?

he was deceiving me and all, at the very moment when he invited me to notice other deceptions, perpetrated by others, such as doctors or pharmaceutical companies, he was urging me to stand up for myself, not to belittle myself.

he seemed to show me a way in a fatherly way, I hung on his every word without realizing that I was a puppet in his clutches.

this is the same reality of the abuses of priests or other figures who present themselves as saviors and protectors.

probably those who have an extra power can't help themselves, to use it opportunistically and unfairly?

I feel how I might find myself drained of so much....
if this matter had the upper hand on me, it would really kill so much of my inner world, I would be left without hope, without any trust for people, starting with the very people toward whom the dumbest part of me would still push me to seek solace. arid, as if feelings were nothing more than weaknesses useful for being exploited, then being thrown away.

but i don't want to lose my emotional potential and remain an empty shell. not for someone who doesn't have all that and perhaps even for that reason abused it unscrupulously and would have destroyed it willingly. i have to acknowledge this: he has hurt and done wrong, he is lacking and guilty.
he doesn't "tell" what is the best thing, although I was always trying to figure out from him what the best answers were, as if he were my role model to follow.

of him "intellectual work should be appreciated" and his usefulness regarding certain issues, in other ways he is rotten, rotten. I must not be seduced into rottenness and sink into rottenness. on the contrary, i must give myself more dignity than he has taken away from me and be proud to defend my fragility and potential that he will never have.

I must come to terms with the general failure that this life of mine is or seems to be, but I must begin by standing up for my heart.

I may have learned to recognize signs that say that person is false, or that I am the victim of a serious delusion.

after all, he didn't care about my private life and personal problems. i didn't want to be burdensome, i thought he was already giving me so much consideration that it would be unfair and inappropriate for him to care about me too. so i was fine with that. but no matter how much of a pain in the ass my problems are, if a person cares about me they will care about that too, maybe a little bit at a time, especially after years of contact. it was me not giving this aspect the right value, because I don't have enough self-esteem. i relied so much on someone who basically, with that big lack, showed that he didn't care about me from a personal and emotional point of view.

this aspect also gives me some relief however: even if I've made a bad assumption by believing that he had good feelings, at least he did not put his clutches by pretending to be interested in my personal things in order to manipulate me even more deviously and deeply. if he had done that, I would now be even more horribly traumatized, or I would really have taken my own life.

However, there may be deceptions of that kind around, and one must be prepared to recognize other signs as well.

This is why I felt so unstable in my perceptions: my illusion of him was really far from the real person he is (and he was not expressing that he was), his "spirit" behind interactions with him was extremely different, even opposite to the one I dreamed of and adored, but his deliberately ambiguous communications and strategic silences reinforced my illusion, and did so more and more until it reached the traumatic breaking point.

this devastating effect on me happened with little effort or violence on his part: it was enough for him to fiddle with this poor girl a bit (maybe it looked like I was praying to be made fun of?), masturbate his ego by feeling powerful, and get something useful.

but then again, isn't one "wrong pill" enough to ruin a person sometimes? or one too many "gropes" from an old pig to give a child trauma sometimes?

I understand that in some external points of view I am exaggerating, but if I want to express myself sincerely then I am not exaggerating.
the aggravating factor is that he was aware of my vulnerabilities, my situation of isolation, loneliness, suffering--although they were far from attractive aspects, I never avoided communicating them. and he still dared to do what he did to someone like me.
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

"Narcissistic abuse is manipulation. Psychological manipulation occurs using specific techniques, the purpose of which is to subdue and control. (...)

Manipulation techniques are a major cause of the sense of confusion and cognitive dissonance present in the abused person and lead to a severe form of Complex Post traumatic Stress Disorder called Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.

The unique characteristic of narcissistic abuse is the inability to recognize the perpetrator as the abuser, since the first period of the relationship with a pathological or malignant narcissistic subject is grooming and training, a period in which what is not is simulated.

The result is that the partner falls in love with a person who does not actually exist, who has been created ad hoc to set a trap".

I don't think he wanted to hurt me
He just wanted to instrumentalize me from beginning to end.
The game got out of his hand and blew up when I felt too distressed by the mess he made and I tried to turn my brain back on.
To him, people's inner world doesn't matter at all, it's just cogs to be maneuvered. Maybe because that's his inner world: just cold cogs.


my feelings and the great delusion I had until a few months ago still prevent me from "simply" recognizing as true the explanations that fortunately a decent person had the grace to give me. if that person said to ME, a distraught stranger, certain disorienting and serious things about him, it is not by accident! it is not because it is a one in 100 hypothesis! it is not because who knows maybe it is! that person saw all too well that he has done it and done it again in the past (devastating, DEVASTATING other women as well) in a very conscious way.

and I still surprise myself by finding in the descriptions about emotional manipulations "fantastic" correspondences with what he did to me, because I have yet to finish opening my eyes.

The groomer exploits multiple "emotional seduction" tactics to create a deep and, so to speak, long-term dependency relationship with his victim.

Literally one should give, after all, to the English verb "to groom" from which comes grooming translation of "to groom, clean, take care of (an animal, a horse)." According to a reconstruction of the etymology of the word made by the Accademia della Crusca, in fact, the "groom" was originally an individual of inferior position, a servant, a young servant, generally assigned precisely to the care of stables. It is implied, in short, that when we speak of grooming, we are referring to a relationship between two or more persons of whom at least one is in a position of inferiority, submission, even emotional dependence.
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Re: A paladin of PSSD hurt me to death

Unread post by anacleta »

Processing of the day part 2 - perhaps (but only perhaps) are extreme thoughts compared to his real villainy, but fully relevant to my state of mind.

"Women are extraordinary", he often says. and you think that in this case it's not the classic slimy phrase of someone who uses and abuses women--and you're wrong.

he educates you by pointing out abuse to be angry against,
he helps you discern the injustice behind relationships such as doctor-patient relationships where you are the abused,
encourages you to have determination and fortitude to stand up for yourself and execute what he desires...
he even flatters you by telling you that you are better than him, superior to him.

he does this while he is perpetrating injustice and abuse on you by using you as his slave (that's not a random word: it's his word, but he doesn't come out and say it to you). he does it knowing that you look where he points his finger and you would never look at HIM who in other ways is doing it to you.

you hear his voice that seems moved by goodness. he knows this and is exploiting your vulnerability - your trust, your need for love and approval - enjoys narcissistically being able to control you so well, and, let's face it, he enjoys sadistically seeing you so unaware...

I am happy and proud of at least something:

even though I was so dependent on him, with fluctuating perceptions, and awesome suffering, my judgment held up during the ghosting phase, I continued to see the injustice (much in the form of the inexplicability and absurdity of his attitude). i did not quietly step aside or throw myself into the trash. i "betrayed" him in defense of my dignity, i love myself for doing so! doing so had a twist: i found explanations/truths that displaced me, but allowed me to open my eyes (with difficulty!)

other women in the past have suffered, a lot, from the "inexplicability" of his behavior after they had developed an intense attachment...some have dealt with the feeling of suddenly being excluded without understanding why, thrown in the trash, ashamed for daring to think they could be important to him; others have suffered from being exploited through protracted and underhanded deception.

apparently, his resume wasn't good enough for him, and I came along. i was there ready ready, wasn't i? maybe he was having a critical period, feeling too...confined...and needed to vent...on someone.

and now, based on his moves I could be in the cemetery for not holding up the situation, or I could still be crying and praying thinking about his (non-existent) health problems, I could still be working for pssd driven by the illusion of his love, still feel like a kitten bringing the captured lizard to its master...(or maybe I would have been able to move on by now, if I had been less fragile..). but no, the psychiatrist was careless: in the sense that it got out of his hand, slave screaming on the run!!!

when most of my anger has passed I can also ask myself, if you take all that away from him, his "winning" relational patterns built to make up for his own shortcomings, what does he have left. and feel compassion, because I can feel compassion.
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